


The chill in my bones

by redlipsredledger



Series: Trapped in a nightmare I can't escape from [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Assassins, Awesome Clint Barton, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Buried programming, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Comics/Movie Crossover, Cryofreeze (Marvel), Deaf Clint Barton, F/M, Flashbacks, Hydra (Marvel), I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Latent triggers, Marvel 616 References, Marvel 616/MCU Crossover, Natalia is dangerous, Natalia knows how to be a ghost, Natalia or Natasha, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Natasha is fighting for control, Natasha needs help, Natasha's brain is broken, Past Brainwashing, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Programming, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Steve Rogers, Red Room (Marvel), Shadows still kill, Someone help Natasha, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Triggered Assassins, Triggered Natasha Romanov, Triggers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, bad memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: When everyone agrees that Bucky Barnes in better off in cryostasis until they figure out how to fix the programming in his head, Natasha underestimates just how deep the programming in hers goes and when she watches him walk into the cryotube to surrender to something he thinks is for the best, a memory that she's long since tried to avoid thinking about breaks her mind apart and causes damage that she'd never thought was possible... And the price may be more than anyone could've ever guessed.With Natasha no longer in control of her mind, the Black Widow may very well destroy the life she's fought so hard to create for herself away from that dangerous past of hers but even she's known all these years you can't run from your past forever...From the prompt: It's easier than you think to lose everything you love.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers
Series: Trapped in a nightmare I can't escape from [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680301
Comments: 19
Kudos: 55





	1. Come back, I still need you

Everyone had agreed it was best for Bucky to stay in Cryostasis until someone could figure out what to do and how to fix the programming in his brain and she'd kept a casual indifference about it. Bucky was starting to remember Steve but he'd said absolutely nothing about her which was fine, she had told herself over and over again that it was fine; Bucky Barnes might never remember her and maybe - for him - that was a good thing. She'd lived this long with it she could live with it forever if she had no choice.

Eventually she'd have to put a hell of a lot of distance between herself and these people anyway because eventually they'd start to ask questions about why she _wasn't_ aging. She was surprised that Clint hadn't already but she knew Barton, he'd just think it was down to a good skincare routine or something as normal as that, he didn't tend to overthink anything and that was why she loved him so much. It was easy to be around Clint because he tried to keep his world as simple as possible.

He'd learned quick that it didn't always work like that. It had been hard as hell pretending to be on opposite sides to her best friend during the whole battle-thing but she'd promised him that everything she'd done would be for a good reason and to her it was.

_I said I'd help you find him not catch him, there's a difference._

She had indeed told T'Challa that she'd help him find Bucky Barnes but never in all of that had she said she'd allow him to capture him. She wanted to know for herself if there was anything still in there of the man she'd known all those years ago and she still wasn't certain about it to this day but a part of her still hoped and she chastised herself for that. She'd never been naive, she'd never wasted much time hoping anything and she chose not to for a damn good reason. 

She wasn't foolish, she wasn't some little girl that believed good always prevailed over evil in the world because she already knew that wasn't true, she was living, breathing proof that good did _not_ always prevail over evil and so was Bucky. If good prevailed over evil all of the time neither of them would've been through what they had.

She promised she'd be there for Steve and so she stood away from everyone else with her arms folded, her feet slightly parted and her hair hanging loose around her shoulders and so far she managed to look casual. She inhaled a deep breath as she watched Steve and Barnes talk, she paid no particular attention to what they were saying to one another and her eyes roamed around the room. This place was almost too much like the facility she'd grown up in and she hated it.

Barnes stepped inside of the cryotube and he spoke a final reassurance to Steve as she kept a safe distance away and she glanced down at the floor. He was strapped in and she flicked her eyes to him for a moment and she remained rooted to the spot, she couldn't move in that moment even if she had wanted to. She watched as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes and she could feel the lump in her throat and the quickening of her breathing but she remained there.

She remained unable to move and she remained quiet watching the whole thing unfolding before her because she could do little else but that, she couldn't intervene or try to stop what was about to happen even if a part of her wanted to do exactly that and so Natasha remained quiet...

Only she wasn't quiet at all. She might have had no awareness of what was happening but she wasn't quiet at all.

She was screaming. She was screaming _No_ over and over again with such pain lacing her voice and she had tears pouring down her cheeks without her even realising what was going on or that she was doing it. Not one part of her registered that she was doing anything but what she thought she was doing: Standing there quietly just allowing what was happening to happen without question but that wasn't true at all.

Natasha Romanov was screaming loudly and fighting against a pain that she'd been running from for over fifty years.

Someone stepped toward her and she felt their hand touch her shoulder and in that moment she spun, her hand closed around their wrist and she kicked out with a straight hit to the stomach that rocked her leg, she released their wrist as they folded from the blow and her knee came up to meet their nose before she spun once more and her foot connected with the side of their head knocking them down to the floor.

Adrenaline raced through her system and she fought to breathe. Everything around her was foggy and it felt distant like she was underwater and it was miles and miles away and it wasn't here. It wasn't now. She was no longer here and she was no longer in that moment. She had traveled back over fifty years ago to one of the most painful memories that she had locked inside of that mind of hers.

She remembered being held back, the two men stood on either side of her with such tight grips on the top of her arms that if she were human it'd bruise and she fought. She fought like hell and she cried out his name over and over, she watched as two other men threw him back into the tube with enough force to knock the wind out of him and his eyes met hers and she could read the apology, the regret and the desperation as his hand reached out for her but she couldn't move.

She tried again to move, to break free of the grip but she couldn't. The next thing she remembered was the flash as his body was frozen and it almost seemed instantaneous. A cruel smile spread across the lips of the man that stepped in front of her and he told her that he'd warned her against acting out and she'd been too stupid to listen to him. He had his hand on her chin gripping it tightly as he spoke before he jammed a needle into her neck, she could feel the liquid burning through her for just a brief, fleeting moment and then there was nothing.

Nothing... Just blackness.

She'd have been more aware of what was going on around her if the memory wasn't so real and vivid in her mind. She didn't register who it was she'd hurt nor did she register the second person that moved to her side, to her she couldn't see their faces clearly all she could think about was the men that had held her place all those years ago and they took a fist to the nose that had her pull her hand back with blood staining her knuckles and then from behind her, someone closed their arms around her body.

"Natasha, Natasha what's going on?" _Natasha_... No. The name did nothing.

It provoked nothing but anger and she swung her head back. She didn't know whether or not she connected with anything but they dropped their arms from her body and she bolted, running for the door as she threw it open and she ran, she ran and ran until she physically couldn't anymore, until she fell to the ground and she screamed all over again though this time she was aware that she was doing it. Her hands flew to her head as she rested there in the grass and she could feel tears streaming hot and fast down her cheeks.

She shook her head so fiercely as she fought to steady her breathing. She danced a fine line between who she was and who she'd spent years fighting to be. The words that monster has spoken to her that day felt as fresh in her mind as if he'd just said them to her now: _You're ours, Little Spider and don't you ever forget it._

She wasn't her own, she wasn't his, she didn't get to choose she was their toy and they turned her into whatever they wanted her to be. Natasha wasn't - and would never - be free. She was their tool to be used and manipulated until there was no longer a use for her and then she'd meet a bullet to the brain and that was that. 

They'd made her watch because they wanted her to suffer, they wanted to remind her just how easy they could take away everything she cared about and how easily they'd destroy her if she ever thought to act out again. This was to get her to comply. This was to make her realise they were still in control and there was nothing she could ever do to change that. She belonged to them. She was a tool, a toy and nothing more. They'd made her watch every second of it to prove to her that she'd never be free.

They'd made her watch every second of it to prove to _him_ that they weren't afraid to hurt her to prove a point to him. He'd been fighting just as hard for her as she had for him that day and neither of them had won their battles and each had lost the other.

She heaved in several deep breaths as she fought to steady herself not that it was working. She couldn't breathe. Her mind was tearing itself apart going back and forth between her old life and the one that she'd created for herself since Clint had brought her into SHIELD all those years ago. There was a break there, a hole so deeply hidden and buried, a trigger inside of her brain that she hadn't even known existed until today.

A trigger that'd torn her apart then and there and destroyed years and years of building walls, working through her pain and building a new life for herself in one split second.

Repeating that very same thing and losing him all over again to what they'd done to him was all it had taken to break her all over again, that scene was never supposed to repeat itself but then the two of them were never supposed to be in the same place again. She was never supposed to come across James Barnes while he had any semblance of self, she wondered if it had been intentional and they'd put it inside of her just in case it ever happened but not even they could've predicted that.

Maybe it was in case the two of them ever had to work together again and they'd cross lines. It was likely. What better way to punish her than to have her mind fragment if she dared to defy them by recreating one of the most painful experiences she'd ever had? They were certainly cruel and callous enough to do it. 

She picked herself up and she wiped away the tears as she made her way back toward the facility, she looked altogether worse for the wear with puffy red eyes, one hand covered in blood and a shaky body as she walked inside barely able to keep herself on her feet. She was flashing between two conflicting sides of one mind and she hated it. She didn't know who she was from one moment to the next but she knew that she probably shouldn't be here right now but she needed to figure out what had happened between then and being here now.

Steve walked toward her with his hands held out in front of him and she stopped moving altogether.

"Nat, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you." Steve sounded strained as he fought to reassure her.

Hurt her? Natasha's expression became confused and she shook her head to tell him that she didn't understand. What was he talking about? She knew Steve wouldn't hurt her, he was her friend... He'd proven that to her a thousand times over the last few years and not for one second had she feared he'd hurt her... What...

What happened?

"I don't- I don't understand What..." She spoke with a shaky voice. "Steve, what are you talking about?"

She managed some strength this time. Just a little, just a little and she knew it'd fade soon enough but for now it was all she had and all she had to hold to.

"You were screaming, you were screaming when we put Bucky into the cryotube and then you flipped. You beat the heck out of me, out of Clint... Do you remember any of this?" He spoke softly almost like he was afraid to spook her.

She noted the safe distance he kept but she shook her head at his question.

"No." She replied uncertainly. "I wasn't screaming. I- I don't-" 

No, that wasn't possible. She stepped back and wrapped her arms around herself though this time it wasn't defensive, it was sheer protection. She was trying to keep herself safe from whatever it was that right now had her shaken in a way she hadn't ever thought was possible. Natasha Romanov didn't break. She didn't falter. She was one of the worlds best spies and most deadly assassins and she did _not_ falter. She was human granted, or at least to a degree but she was more composed than that.

Her eyes flicked around as she fought to distract herself. She noted that it was dark outside and that the stars were obscured by clouds; it was going to rain tonight and she could tell by the odd sort of scent in the air that most people couldn't even smell but her acute senses meant that she could. She'd always quite liked it if she was going to be honest, it was something that reminded her that there was some normalcy in the world and not everything could be controlled.

She loved the rain, she'd always loved the rain. 

The floor beneath her was muddied from her shoes and she felt momentarily bad for that, she hadn't even noticed the grass dotted in various places on her legs and she leaned down to pluck a leaf from just below her knee and she twirled the stork between her finger and her thumb to give her something to focus on in that moment. Steve seemed to be trying to find the gentlest way possible to speak to her, he was obviously worried about something.

What had she done? She hadn't hurt anyone, that wasn't possible and she definitely wasn't screaming.

"Natasha, what happened?" Steve sounded like a worried father. "Do you remember anything?"

It was slightly amusing to her considering the fact that they were the same age, Steve wasn't aware of that of course but Natasha let out an almost maniacal laugh, she felt like she really, truly was losing her mind because he seemed to think that she'd done something but she had no recollection of it. He was wrong, he had to be wrong... She hadn't done anything to anyone and she certainly hadn't lost it the way he seemed to be implying she had.

"Nothing-" She cut off then. She knew that wasn't true. "I don't remember anything. I don't know how I got outside or what happened after I watched him talk to you."

That, that was true. She didn't remember absolutely anything after standing there and watching James walk into that cryotube. The thought had her drop to her knees again and she began to cry all over again as silent sobs shook her body. Once again her hands moved to her head and she could feel the throbbing in her head, the old familiar headaches that she'd long since thought she'd gotten over and it was agonising. She curled up into a ball and shook her head profusely.

This couldn't be happening. This wasn't happening.

This was just a bad dream, this had to be a bad dream. She didn't still have any residual programming in her and she'd thought she'd made sure of it but now she was starting to believe she didn't know her mind as well as she thought she did. She wasn't there anymore. She wasn't under their control anymore. They couldn't hurt her anymore... That was the beautiful little lie that she'd told herself over the years but it seemed now like that was all it was: A beautiful lie.

"It's okay, you're safe." He stepped toward her. Big mistake.

Click. It was like a switch inside of her and everything had changed all over again.

Her hand shot out to his ankle and she yanked him to the floor before she sprang to her feet and looked down at him with empty eyes and she shook her head. He had no idea. He had no clue who or what she was and what damage watching all of that had done to her. He couldn't even comprehend what she'd been before or what damage that girl was capable of unleashing on the world but he was about to goddamn find out.

"You're wrong." She replied coolly. "None of us are, not even you."

With that, she turned on her heel and walked toward the door before she looked back over her shoulder with a smirk as she heard him pull himself to his feet and shout _Natasha_ like it'd make any difference at all.

"Don't come after me." She warned. "I won't hold back next time."

She'd shoot and she'd shoot to kill because after all wasn't that what they'd taught her to be, their perfect little killer? James Barnes had been a danger to everyone when he was triggered and Natalia Romanova was no different. The Winter Soldier and the Black Widow had both earned their reputations through destruction and blood and now while one might have very well been subdued, subduing one had unleashed the other...

What a cruel sort of irony that was, trying to save one person had broken something in someone else that may never be able to be repaired again and now they were facing a threat from someone who knew them from the inside, weaknesses and strengths alike... Not a single one of them was aware of what had just been unleashed on them but she swore that they sure as hell soon would.


	2. Saw you in black and white

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Clint are both left reeling when they're confronted with something from a past that Clint Barton spent years trying to help Natasha bury, Steve starts to realise that monsters that live in the dark sometimes come with a pretty face and maybe he didn't know his friend half as well as he thought he did...
> 
> Clint starts to realise that maybe none of them did, but they find someone who can offer them answers even if its the last person they expected to be able to tell them anything at all. Just what is it that Bucky Barnes knows about Natalia anyway?

Steve was dumbstruck, that was the only way he could have possibly put it. He stood there and watched his friend turn from someone he knew to someone he couldn't even begin to comprehend and as he watched her walk out he could do nothing but stand there and wonder what the hell had happened and how any of this had even come to pass.

He didn't even notice at first when Barton appeared at his side and he placed his hand on his shoulder, it took him a good long moment before he registered it. He was that transfixed by trying to figure out the strange situation he'd found himself in just moments before that nothing immediately registered.

"You okay?" Clint spoke, Steve shook his head.

It was the answer Clint has expected if he was going to be honest with himself because there was no way Steve could understand what was going on with Natasha. It was something no one should've had to deal with and Clint had gone to a lot of effort years ago to try and ensure that it didn't happen again, not on his watch.

"What happened to her?" Steve Rogers sounded like a lost child.

Clint Barton offered him a sympathetic look before he breathed out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair and he shook his head. He knew exactly what had happened to her and it was something that he never wanted to see again. It was years ago, years ago when he'd brought in an out of control assassin who was resistant to pretty much every bit of help he'd offered her even if eventually she'd given up and accepted it.

This wasn't Natasha.

This wasn't the person that Steve or anyone else knew, this was the side to her that he'd met a long time ago and he had hoped it was a side to her that he'd never see again. He hadn't known that she had any deeply embedded programming, hell he doubted she was even aware of it herself after all these years, no one else knew Natasha's history well enough to know she'd ever even had any to begin with and the trigger for the programming this time was... Interesting.

He wondered what it was about what she'd just witnessed that had made her flip the way it did. It wasn't like anything particularly horrifying had unfolded and there was no blood or conflict or anything that appeared obviously terrible to Clint but he didn't live in Natasha's mind so even hazarding a guess was foolish at best.

He hadn't known any of that was a part of her history but then she kept secrets even to this day about her time back there. She didn't like to talk about it and he'd never pressed her on it because it wasn't anything to do with him. She'd changed a whole hell of a lot from those days and who she was now was all he cared about. It didn't matter to him who she'd been before he met her that night and he'd told her that.

Who she _was_ didn't have to dictate who she became.

He'd spent weeks if not months making sure she knew that. She'd learned to trust him because he'd been adamant about the fact that he didn't care who she was before and what she'd done was none of his damn business. He wasn't innocent himself so he was in no position to pass judgment on her and that was how they'd become so close, he'd never pressed her and he accepted her for the good and the bad.

He hoped he'd never have to see that side to her again though because she was freaking terrifying. He'd never been afraid of all that much but that girl didn't have a conscience. He knew that she'd been planning to kill him the second she got a chance but somehow he'd managed to persuade her not to. Turns out he could be quite charming even to assassins intent on murdering him, go figure. 

"That wasn't Natasha." He sighed as he addressed Steve's question. "How much do you know about her past?"

Steve looked at him with a frown and shook his head. He didn't know a great deal but then he'd never thought to ask her about it. As far as he knew, she'd been somewhere else before she'd joined SHIELD and it was thanks to Clint that she had but he didn't know all that much else beyond the fact that she was trained by a Russian program that she wanted to stay as far away from as possible.

"Not much honestly." Steve admitted with a furrowed brow. Maybe he should've asked more questions... 

Even if he had asked questions though there was no guarantee that Natasha would've told him anything about it. She didn't like to let people get close to her, she'd told him that spies lied for a living and that she'd always keep secrets if she felt like it was too dangerous to tell the truth... She'd have only told him what she wanted him to know.

"That person is who she was before." Clint explained sounding altogether pained. "Natalia, that was who she was before all of this. Who she was born, the girl that was raised in hell."

The girl that was raised a killer. He didn't need to say it because they both knew it. Who she was before all of this wasn't anything close to who she was now, she'd become better over the years but that side to her still existed inside of her evidently.

"I've seen it before, that was the girl I met." The one that had threatened to kill him. The one he'd spared. "I didn't even know that side to her was still in there... She fought so hard to move on."

Natasha had fought fiercely to escape from her past and become something far better than what she'd been before. She'd fought hard to build a new life for herself and move as far away from who she was back then because she wanted to prove to herself that they were wrong, she wouldn't be their perfect little weapon for the rest of her life. She'd fought and she never stopped fighting and he couldn't stand to see her lose that battle.

"This side of her isn't Natasha it's Natalia, that's the girl I met way back when I first encountered her. That's the girl I was sent to kill for who and what she was and the one I brought in that night because I chose differently." She'd become his best friend and he felt like he'd just failed her.

"Nat wasn't the same person then as she is now, she was the girl I knew damn well was planning to kill me if she ever got the chance to do it but she didn't. That wayward assassin was awakened when something inside of her snapped now and made the woman we know revert back to that and that's something we should all be worried about. She doesn't care, not when she's like that. There's no moral compass, you get in her way she _will_ shoot you. That's what she was trained to do." She was trained to shoot to kill.

Clint sounded saddened as he spoke, almost devastated in truth; he'd lost his best friend tonight to her own darkness and all he could do was hope he was lucky enough to bring her around a second time. He'd saved her once already and if he got the chance he'd do it twice if she didn't follow through with what it was he knew she wanted to do last time, hell if he had to put himself in her crosshares for her to realise that she didn't have to be that person again he'd do it. Tasha already knew that, he kept telling himself that she already knew that.

She'd always come for him when it was his ass in the fire, there was no way in hell he was leaving her out there in the cold on her own no matter which side of her it was he was dealing with now.

"What happened to her? Why did she break like that?" Steve didn't understand. It was clear from the worry in his tone that he didn't understand.

The problem was that Clint didn't have any goddamn idea. He had no idea what it was that was embedded in her brain that had broken when she'd watched what she had tonight. She'd been there for moral support and he had no idea at all what it was that they'd put inside of her that had clawed its way to the surface tonight or even how it'd happened.

"Honestly I have no idea." Clint admitted.

"We knew she had triggers not unlike Bucky's but we thought - I thought - I'd helped her work through them all years ago but I guess I was wrong, I guess she was wrong and this one must've been buried real deep inside of her." But he had no idea what it was.

"There's something about tonight that made her break inside and the sooner we figure out what that is the sooner we stand a chance of bringing her home before she slips more than she already has." It was clear from Clints tone that the thought of losing her to this was agonising.

"How do we figure this out, Clint? Her files?" That was Steve's first suggestion but Clint shook his head.

"Nat never let them put anything in her files, most of what we know we know because she told us so long as we agreed there'd never be any record of it. There's nothing to check back through and even if there was there's no guarantee whatever pain this has kicked up would even be in there. There's a lot she never wanted to talk about." Even he was starting to question how well he knew his best friend now.

"So what do we do?" Steve was just as frustrated as he was. 

He wished he had answers, a sigh broke his lips as he looked around. Think. Think, c'mon Barton you're not an idiot there has to be something here you're missing. He doubted she'd said anything to Steve that would have given him a clue as to what was going on, that side to her loved to toy with people. She'd have had way more fun trying to manipulate him and no reason at all to help him figure anything out. 

"The CCTV footage. If we go over that we might be able to see something, watch her line of sight. I know Tasha, I know what to look for." Did he though? Did he really know her as well as he thought he did?

It was the best plan they had and so, that was their best bet. Sitting down at the computer, Clint slowed it frame by frame and watched everything she did; Natasha's body language for the most part was protective, she was purposely distancing herself which was a curious thing. She kept purposely avoiding looking at anyone which again was curious but when she did look up right before she started screaming her eyes fell on Steve and Bucky, the only time her eyes had moved from the floor for more than a moment was when she watched him get strapped in and he'd nodded his head to let them know he was ready.

Then she'd started screaming. 

Clint's brow furrowed as he switched the feed to the lobby with Steve, the first part was her normal, freaked out but normal enough. Her emotions were all over the place but it was instantaneous, the way that she flipped and changed was instantaneous and there didn't seem to be anything obvious between the two of them that would explain why which meant that she'd lost her fight for control, the fight that had started in that chamber. Ah hell.

"There was something about watching what happened to Barnes that did it. That was- something happened to her then. Right before she started screaming was the first time she'd looked up the whole time. She watched him and her entire body language shifted. Something about what happened with him is what made her snap." Clint sounded bemused as he spoke.

Even he knew what he was saying made no sense but that was the moment where she'd stopped being herself and when she'd shifted. He turned to look at Steve as he straightened up. It was clear Steve understood it no better than he did... Why the heck would watching anything to do with Barnes bother her so bad? Maybe she'd had to watch it with someone else back when she'd been with the Red Room? 

None of this made sense.

"Did she ever say anything about even knowing him?" Steve questioned.

Clint offered him a look that quite literally said _seriously?_

"No, she didn't say anything at all but then even if she did know him she probably wouldn't have said anything about it. Natasha didn't exactly do heartfelt confessions. She mentioned that he'd shot her a couple times but that was all she told me." That didn't exactly constitute an emotional connection though.

"Yeah, she told me the same..." Steve sounded just as confused as Clint was.

None of this made any sense, none of it at all. 

"Tasha might've seen something back in the place she was raised that was similar to what she saw tonight and maybe it was someone she was close to that got put into one of those things, I don't know. She never mentioned really having anyone back in that place that she really gave a damn about. She told me they weren't allowed to care, they weren't allowed to be human at all because human wasn't useful to them. They were just weapons." 

The more Steve listened to Clint talk, the more he understood why Natasha's past was as closely guarded secret as it was. It sounded like a horrible, painful thing to discuss and he could see why she'd want to distance herself as much as she had from all of that. No one should have had to go through the things that she and Bucky had. They'd been used and manipulated and told they weren't allowed to think or feel for themselves. They weren't allowed to be anything but what they'd been told to be.

There were similarities in all of it and he had no doubt Clint had noticed it too but he still looked at him in that moment and sighed.

"I hate to point out the obvious but their stuff sounds similar don't you think? I mean, both of them used and turned into something else and-" He felt bad for even saying anything. It wasn't his place to discuss Natasha's past.

Clint nodded his head though.

"Yeah, had noticed it was kinda alike. Maybe one got the idea from the other I don't know. You never know with evil shadowy organisations honestly. It's not like they patent their way to torture people. They probably traded notes for all we know. Maybe some of the same scientists worked both programs..." Clint rubbed the back of his neck as he spoke.

None of them could know for sure, it was nothing but speculation at this point and he honestly hated all of this. He walked toward the door and he looked back at Steve, it was clear he was frustrated.

"We're wasting time, we need to find her." But that was _not_ going to be easy, the tone of Clint's voice was obvious.

He was frustrated, worried, scared... He didn't know what the heck was going to happen from here and he had no idea how to find his best friend because he didn't know where she'd go without knowing what had happened to her it wasn't easy to figure it out. Clint's hand connected with the wall and he rested his head against the door.

"We gotta wake your boy up. If there's _any_ connection at all we have to ask him. If we don't know we're playing blind and you have no idea what she's capable of. I've seen this side to her before but then she was programmed and she had a mission, this time she's flying on her own and we have no idea what she's going to do without anything holding her back. If this was Natasha being herself I could probably figure it out but she ain't. Natalia ain't got the direction she had back then and I don't know who she'd go after now."

Clint could practically feel Steve's reluctance radiate off of him and so the archer rolled his eyes as he turned back to face him and fell against the door behind him with folded arms as he regarded Rogers with a somewhat irate look.

"Yeah yeah your bestie has a busted brain but so does mine. If he can save her or tell us something that can we need to do it. I won't leave her out there, I honestly don't need your permission I'm just asking to be nice." Clint shrugged as he spoke. 

Steve could try to stop him. Try. Barton never missed a shot and he had more in his arsenal than simple arrows. He could stun him, knock him out... Oh, he had plenty of toys to choose from. He really was just asking him to be nice. Clint Barton was a huge pain in the ass at the best of times, if he felt like someone he cared about was in danger he'd do whatever he needed to do to make sure they were okay and he really didn't care who he had to piss off in the process. 

That was another problem he could deal with later when he'd saved the day, at least that was the way he thought and for the most part it worked out. He knew that Natasha would put her ass on the line and break whatever rules she had to break for his sake so he was more than willing to do the same for her. He was her best friend, that was what they did for each other. They fought for one another even when everyone else had given up.

He wasn't willing to let _anyone_ give up on Natasha though and he was willing to go to whatever extremes he had to in order to bring her home, so screw the rules, screw the whole damn thing if Mr. assassin could give them any answers at all he was damn well willing to wake his ass up to work him.

Steve - he noticed - didn't look remotely amused but he didn't care.

"I don't care about whatever spiel you're about to give me about dangerous whatever, this is Tasha. If he has any answers at all then we're gonna wake up sleeping beauty and ask him because this is Tasha. I will _not_ leave her out there alone. I need to know if he knows anything that could help me find her and bring her home safe." Barton shrugged away from the wall then.

"It's gonna be less of a blow if you come with me and do it, I don't know this guy and honestly aside from fighting for whatever the hell it was you were trying to do out there by your side I have no idea who or what he is and I don't care. If there's even the slightest chance he can help Natasha, I'll take it. Your best friend is dangerous and whatever and that's fine by me but if he can help Tasha? We need to take that chance." Clint was willing to take the chance even if Steve wasn't.

Steve exhaled a sigh though and nodded his head, he knew that if he didn't concede Barton would go right ahead and do it anyway and it wouldn't end well, Bucky had no reason at all to trust Clint much less answer any questions he had. If Steve was there at least there was a buffer... Or at least he hoped. He really had no idea with Bucky's mind being as fragmented as it was, he had no idea what help he might be able to offer if any at all.

Maybe Clint had read the situation wrong, he had no idea.

Still, the two of them set off back to at least attempt to bring Bucky out of the deep freeze which - it seemed - was something that Helen wasn't too thrilled about but Clint had explained to her it was for Natasha's sake and so, sitting around for a good two hours while he was brought around was starting to make Clint stir crazy and he'd asked about twelve times if they couldn't just shock his ass back to the waking world.

He was impatient.

Barnes awoke eventually and he looked less than pleased as he looked at both of them and he sat up slowly.

"What the he-" He started to speak, Clint cut him off.

"We need you to help us." Clint was straight to the point. "The girl that was in here earlier? The redhead? She's in trouble and we need you to answer some questions."

Bucky's eyes moved to Steve.

"Your friend? Natasha? Was that her name?" He looked confused. "How can _I_ help? I didn't do anything to her I was in here..." 

He looked worried as he glanced between Steve and Barton, whatever the hell it was they thought that he'd done they were wrong, they were very, very wrong. He hadn't done anything at yes, he'd shot her a couple of times but that wasn't today. That wasn't recently... 

"Natalia." Clint amended. "Her name before all this crap was Natalia. We need to ask you about her, not Natasha."

 _You could at least recognise me._ Barnes looked like he'd just been kicked in the stomach.

"Do you know her?" Clint spoke noting his reaction. Bucky shook his head though.

"No." The word was spoken automatically.

"Look now is _Not_ the time for lying and trust me when I tell you you do not wanna piss me off. She's my best friend, you think I won't throw down with you to get whatever I need to know outta you? Bring it on big guy." Clint gestured for him to stand up. He wasn't the first Super person Clint would've gotten into it with.

"Clint..." Steve looked at him.

"No, no 'Clint'. Do not give me 'Clint'. He's not telling us something and her life is on the line." He was trained to read people.

"You don't know that..." Steve tried to reason.

"Uh yeah, I do." Clint turned back to Bucky. "Spit it out already! She's been gone over three hours and I don't know where to start looking so whatever it is you know? Now's the time to start talking."

"Natalia, the name is- There was a girl once. I trained her, we were close and I- It was years ago. I don't know when exactly, my grip on time is relative at best but it isn't possible, it can't be..." Bucky sighed.

"You could at least recognise me." He repeated her words. Steve and Clint shot him at confused look.

"That was what she said to me. Natasha. You could at least recognise me." Bucky shook his head with a humorless laugh.

"The little Ballerina, now I know." Or at least he knew _something._ He sighed and pushed himself to stand up.

"I know her, or at least I knew her once. It was a hell of a long time ago or maybe just a few years, who knows anymore. What happened? I don't remember a lot about my past but maybe I can figure something out." He sounded reluctant at best but Clint seemed relieved he was at least willing to talk a little bit.

"What happened to her? Why did seeing you go under hurt her so much? What happened to make her break?" Clint spoke urgently.

"She saw it once before." Bucky cast his eyes to the side, he'd heard her scream he just thought it was a dream.

He'd thought it was a trick of his mind.

"She was screaming, wasn't she?" He looked at Clint who nodded at his question.

He thought she was screaming but he thought it was just something he was imagining all over again. He couldn't trust his mind.

"Yeah, she did then too. They made her watch, it was how they punished her. They made her watch and made sure she couldn't do anything to stop it." That memory was one that he didn't want to dig up.

Bucky sat back down again, his legs felt unsteady. He'd thought it was all tricks, his mind just being that jumbled up that he was putting people in places they couldn't have been but it seemed as though that was no trick at all. He looked between Steve and Clint and his brow furrowed, he wanted to apologise to them but he wasn't even sure he could explain just what it was he was sorry for.

"Natalia..." He smiled, just a fraction. "I haven't said her name in years. When they made her watch what happened to me it was my fault. I should've known better but I didn't. I let my guard down and they punished us both for it in different ways." His smile faded then.

He shook his head.

"If she's flipped back to that and she's not programmed, she's a loose cannon and there's no way of knowing what she's going to do but I might be able to help you find her. There were ways we used to communicate when-" When they had to be careful about it.

"So I was right, you do know her. You were lying." Clint stated flatly.

"You were right, but you don't know the half of it. The story you're about to unravel will change everything for all of you." Especially for Natalia.

"You can hate me later, you wanted my help you've got it. I agreed to help you not tell you anything that isn't directly relevant to finding her." He didn't want to talk about it honestly.

It was too painful. His mind was scrambled but the realisation that his mind hadn't been playing tricks on him and that there was something good buried in there hurt like hell. He should've done something or said something. He should've tried harder to remember for her sake, at least then he could've asked for her not to be there and then they wouldn't be in this mess.

Now wasn't the time to regale anyone with painful stories, now was the time to see if he could figure out enough of a past he wanted to run from to figure out where his tied with hers and what parts of that he could use to track her and save her. Ah, Natalia... What trouble have you gotten yourself into this time? 

_I'm sorry Natalia, I never meant to get you into trouble..._


	3. I'm strong enough to hold my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natalia is leaving a trail to follow but it isn't for Steve and Clint and when Bucky realises that her mind is more fractured than her friends are capable of understanding he makes a snap decision and decides that this mission isn't theirs to take on. They asked for his help to save her... He knows now that they can't do that with him because Natalia doesn't intend for this to be a trail anyone but him can follow and he's not willing to let her secrets come out.
> 
> She's already lost enough and they both know if there's even a chance to save her then it has to be him that does it. Bucky Barnes never saw himself as the hero but he needs to remember he was always hers just like she was always his.

Did she have direction? Absolutely. The fight between one side of her and the other was exhausting but so far the person she'd become wasn't winning out against the person she was before and she was locked inside of her own mind as she watched the chaos unfold around her; the rifle in her hand was as familiar to her as her own beating heart was and she was well trained enough to make the shot easily. He'd made sure she was well trained enough for that.

Her finger slid to the trigger and a smirk crossed her features, the cold metal beneath her hands was a pleasure that she hadn't felt for a hell of a long time. The sound rang out in the darkness, silence broken by an explosion that rocked the air around her and the kickback rocked her shoulder, it felt like someone had gotten in a half decent punch but she was used to it by now. It'd bruise, her body was considerably smaller but by no means frail.

She watched through the scope as the bullet tore through her target and he dropped to the floor, she maintained the wicked smirk on her lips as she rose easily dusting herself off. Rooftops were rarely clean but they provided easy lines of sight. People always thought they were safe in their comforts but from people like her there was no such thing as safe. One down and a whole list to go. She dismantled the gun and put it away before she slipped down the fire escape and made her way back to her safehouse. It wouldn't be safe for long... Safe was a relative word for people like her anyway.

Even when she'd been trying to fight for a better life safe had been a relative term. She didn't care anymore, let them come. Let them try to stop the oncoming storm and they'd be destroyed by it and she wouldn't care. Why should she care? This wasn't her life anymore. That had never been her life and she was fooling herself if she thought otherwise. 

She glanced around and she threw the basic supplies into what could only be described as a go bag, she knew that if Barton were smart enough he'd find this place and so she left the shell on the bed along with a note that challenged him saying only two words: _Find me._

The thought of it made her laugh. He wouldn't save her this time and she vowed it, she wasn't going to go so easily this time around. Something inside of her was truly, wholly broken. James... The thought of him made her stagger, she placed her hand against the wall to steady herself and the other moved to her head and she shook her head profusely. No. She'd watched that tonight and it had broken something deep down inside of her and she hated them for it.

They'd made her watch. They'd made her be there and they'd pay for it.

In just a few hours she wouldn't even be in the country anyway, by the time they caught up to her if they were even trying she'd be as far away as she could get... Or at least that's what they'd think. She wasn't working from nothing, not this time around.

She had a choice.

She had a choice and a list of people that she'd cross off one by one, some would meet quick ends and others would be forced to endure something far slower, something far more akin to what they'd done to her and she vowed they deserved it.

They wanted a monster, well they were damn well going to get one. If her 'friends' thought that they could save her this time around, she'd show them that there was nothing left to save. Natalia vowed revenge against every person that had ever torn her apart and if that had to mean Natasha's little friends then so be it. She didn't care. They didn't matter to the darker side of her, she'd proved that just ten minutes ago.

One down, one down, so, so many more to go.

No one that had ever manipulated her and made her go through hell would live beyond this and she'd make damn sure of it. Even if someone happened to be able to bring her around, even if they could save her this time around she'd make sure they were left wondering whether or not there was anything in there even worth saving. Fake names, fake passports, more covers than she cared to remember swam around in her mind and it was literally a case of plucking one out of the abyss inside of her and using it until she didn't need to anymore.

Natasha Romanov was no use to her now. It was just another burned cover and nothing more, she didn't give a damn about the life that came along with it.

She didn't bother with an airport when she wanted to get out of the country, not when she could call in a favor from Natasha's little book of debts and get out of the country on a private plane, that would make it even harder for her little friends to track. Ha. They needed to remember that Natasha had contacts that not even they knew about, it was an unfair game of cat and mouse but she was going to have as much fun as she could in playing it.

She'd leave them a trail of bodies to follow because those that would fall to this deserved it.

She vowed they wouldn't save her this time. Barton would try and he'd be a fool for it. She'd shoot him this time around and he'd be damn well sorry he even tried; everyone that'd try to save her was miles behind her at this point anyway and they'd already lost over 24 hours, by the time they'd caught up she'd be somewhere else.

It was no secret that one of the facilities that she'd been in during her early life was in Siberia, she'd told Barton that years ago and she wondered now as she lay in the cold snow if he'd remember that she'd ever told him, she knew he'd be panicking right now so it was a debate on what he would or wouldn't remember when his brain was scrambled.

_Do you know what it's like to be unmade?_

_You know that I do_.

If only Barton knew how many times Natalia had really been unmade over and over again, how many people she'd been forced to be, how many kills she really had to her name. He knew nothing of the girl that he'd saved that night beyond what she wanted him to know and that had been out of distrust back then but over time it had become about protecting herself. It wasn't that she didn't trust Clint it was that she didn't trust anyone else.

Looks like that had been the smart move now. SHIELD had been HYDRA, they'd been the same organisation that had once been involved in her training, the same organisation that had partnered her with a man that would go on to become the single most important person in her world back then only to tear them apart in the most brutal way imaginable.

That was what had broken her now, that memory had become a trigger and one that she didn't even know she had.

It was cruel.

She could see in the back of her mind the when she'd first met James. She'd been 17 years old and he'd been assigned to train her and almost immediately there had been a connection between the two of them and it was in the cold confines of this prison that their hell had begun. They were little more than toys, toys that had made the mistake of falling in love and trying to build their own lives and they'd been punished severely for that.

She vowed back then that she'd make them pay the moment she got the chance and now she had it. Natasha... The person she'd become wanted to stay away from that life of hers and bury her pain but this side of her had to live with it and she'd be damned if that debt went unpaid.

She'd stopped by one of their drops earlier that day and it was well stocked with weapons just as she knew it would be. He was always proficient, the two of them relied on drops like that to resupply and communicate back in the day and that - it seemed - remained something he held to now whether he was aware of why he did or not.

She left a note there too though this one in Russian solely for him not that she thought he'd be there if anyone managed to track her this far.

It was a thank you note. A thank you for staying true to a pattern she doubted he even remembered. She thanked him for always being something she could rely on... It almost sounded like a goodbye note. Almost.

She hadn't been able to bring her weapons with her of course bar the suit because that was easily accessible back at her apartment so she was glad he'd left what he had, it saved her from contacting anyone she knew out here and risking blowing her cover because she needed weapons, if it came to that though she would she'd just kill them afterward. Tie up loose ends and all that. Those kinds of loose ends were just expendable anyway.

He'd taught her how to shoot in places like this, he'd taught her how to use her surroundings to her advantage, he'd taught her now to use cover, remain unseen and yet still accomplish what she needed and she appreciated that now.

She took out the two guards on the roof easily enough, the three on the ground were shooting blindly once they heard the shots which made her roll her eyes, it was almost childish. Hadn't they been training them anymore? They were stupid, they were making more noise than anything else because no one was hitting anything. She was surprised they hadn't shot each other yet so she simply watched the display for a few minutes out of pure amusement before she put them out of their misery with three quick shots all through the head.

She always was quite the proficient little killer.

Getting inside was easy, vents were simple to slip through especially when you were used to it and she'd been trained to know the layout of facilities like this like the back of her hand, it was all still inside of that brilliant brain of hers, she could avoid cameras this way and no one would know she was there until she wanted them to just like he'd taught her. She wondered if her mentor would be proud now... If he had any idea who she was anyway.

She was quite amused if she was going to be honest at the sheer lack of internal security but then she knew that they didn't think anyone would be brave enough to break in here but considering they now had two rogue assets you'd think they'd up security and stop being cocky about it. She dropped down in the main lab and her hands ran over the vials of chemicals as she held her gun on six scientists informing all of them that she needed to know what they used to make their assets compliant, two had tried to scramble to alert security but once she'd shot out the panels and informed them the next would be aimed at their heads they'd stopped trying that and started to be more compliant.

For about three minutes anyway.

They'd refused at first to tell her anything about the chemicals, two were dead by the time the other four agreed to her demands and showed her what she wanted. She just needed to memorize the names, they were useless to her anyway and while she'd love to turn these assholes into walking talking lab rats like they'd done to her she simply did _not_ have the time lucky for them...

She'd already made up her mind what she was going to do but she made sure to download the information she wanted first. She was angry but she was also smart. angry, very bitter and planning to ensure no one made it out of here alive. She'd made them give her access to their systems anyway and she'd gotten everything she needed, she wanted to know _exactly_ what it was that they'd done to both of them over the years because even her memories were tricky when it came to remembering everything.

Memories were fickle little creatures.

She could've taken the vents out again but she didn't. She took the corridors and she took out as many of their security as she possibly could, not because she _had_ to but because she _wanted_ to, she'd almost forgotten how loud shots were when they rang out in an enclosed space, the sound literally bounced off of the walls. The echoes of bullets and screams was like music... A very specific piece written only for her and one that left her ears ringing at that, it was a strange sentiment.

She wanted them to know what she was doing and that was exactly why she'd made it as messy as she could, they'd watch the footage and they'd know. She wanted them to know that they were screwed. Them making that a trigger for her was the last straw, they'd hurt her one too many times and now they'd pay for it. 

She was aware of the fact that she was painting a target on her back again but she really, truly did not care. She blew the whole damn facility with everyone inside, she didn't have to of course she just wanted to prove a point.

Two things down, she really was doing well with this little list of hers...

* * *

Clint Barton did _not_ stop asking questions. At all. While he understood that Natalia's little note had worried him, Bucky had told him to shut up at least a dozen times before he'd literally resorted to threatening to kill him if he didn't stop talking. It didn't work. He glowered at him as he sat in the back of a quinjet, Steve was pissed which was to be expected but it wasn't like any of this was _his_ fault. Steve didn't exactly say he was pissed but he had that little telltale glare anyway.

Not one damn bit of this was his fault. He hadn't exactly been putting too much thought into whatever she was trying to get him to remember with what she'd said to him in amongst running for his life and trying _not_ to be turned into a weapon again. It wasn't as though he'd decided on keeping secrets for the hell of it. He wasn't even aware of most of it himself.

It had been a hell of a few weeks and now it seemed like he didn't even get any peace from it. Clint had been sounding off a list of places he thought that they should check, missions that the two of them had undertaken in the last 15 years but he knew it was pointless. She wasn't going to revisit any of them.

At least not yet, eventually maybe if she decided she wanted to come in safely but not now.

Steve eventually had gotten annoyed with it all and asked if _someone_ could give him some direction. Clint had tried to say something but Bucky shut him up with a glare and he looked back at Steve and released a sigh.

"Siberia. It's where she was raised, or one of the places anyway. It was the place her and I met." _It was where I was held..._

He didn't say that part out loud, instead he inhaled a deep breath and nodded as Steve asked him if he was sure and he closed his eyes then and rested his head back against the metal side and just tried his best _not_ to think which was a task in and of itself. Trying not to think was actually a hell of a lot worse than letting your mind just do whatever it was it needed to do so he'd given up instead and was left to try to sort through his messy brain.

Which he wanted to do in silence but Clint Barton insisted in walking over to sit opposite him and he nudged his foot with his boot. Bucky reached for the gun next to him and held it on the archer without even opening his eyes.

"You breathe _really_ loud." Bucky stated, he didn't even have to open his eyes to know where Clint was sat.

"And you're a huge asshole." Clint shot back.

Bucky opened his eyes literally to roll them and shake his head.

"Did you have a point there or were you just trying to insult me? Because honestly I don't care what you have to say." He found Clint annoying.

Very freaking annoying. Clint didn't seem to care about that at all because a smug smirk made its way onto the archers features and Bucky could swear he was actually triumphant about having successfully annoyed him. That made him more angry but he breathed through it.

"You need to answer my questions eventually." Clint spoke clearly trying to find a way past Bucky's defenses.

He found nothing and Bucky made damn sure he didn't.

"No, I don't." He sounded bored as he spoke. "I told you I'd help you track her, I told you I wouldn't tell you anything that wasn't relevant to doing that."

Bucky was adamant that he wasn't going to tell any of them anything that wasn't directly relevant to finding Natalia and he didn't have to either. It wasn't anyone else's business how he knew her, how _well_ he knew her or how he cared for her. It was getting clearer and clearer and a part of him wanted to scream out, a part of him wanted to lash out and just let the anger of what he'd lost bubble over but he couldn't.

He remained composed because he has no other choice.

He remained composed on the outside but inside a storm raged that threatened to swallow what little remained of his sanity whole... If he even had any. She was the one thing that he'd held to in all of that pain until they'd buried what he felt for her so deep inside of him that it had taken all of this to bring it out again even if it was little by little. He remembered just little pieces but it was starting to form a clearer picture the more he thought about it.

"It could be relevant to finding her." Clint shot back. "You don't know it isn't."

Bucky rose a brow as he regarded him with a disdainful look. 

"You asked me fifteen times what happened with her and I, you asked me nine times why I knew what I knew about her. You asked me another seven when I told you I wasn't going to tell you no matter how many times you asked me if She and I were a 'thing'." He did the quotations with _Thing_ and he glared at Clint again.

"Tell me how _any_ of that is relevant to finding her."

Clint opened his mouth to say something before he shut up and sighed. He leaned back and looked around looking altogether embarrassed.

"I guess it isn't..." He sounded like a scorned child.

"I told you both I knew where she might go because it's where she's been before. If she's retracing any of her steps..." Siberia would make sense. Bucky drifted off.

"And the shot back in New York?" Clint probed.

"Necessary I'm guessing." She wouldn't have done anything like that without a purpose.

It could've been to get attention but it was the wrong kind of attention. She'd made that kill for a reason which meant she'd found some connection between that and her past and she'd wanted it terminated. She wouldn't have killed someone like that for the hell of it. Bucky released a sigh.

"I can't tell you every step she's planning to take here because I _don't_ know. I'm not in her head. I can tell you what Natalia might do because I know at least some of her pain and anger but I don't know it all. I'm taking shots in the dark here and hoping for the best just like you are." He couldn't predict her.

Once he knew her well enough to know every move she might make but that was a very long time ago. That wasn't here or now. He didn't know her that well anymore as much as it pained him because decades had passed since that time and he'd been a weapon while she'd tried to move on and build a life for herself. He was proud of her for that. He'd always wanted her to get out he'd just wanted to get out _with_ her.

"So what _might_ she do?" Clint questioned.

It was the first smart question he'd asked all day. Bucky looked toward him and for the first time he looked like he didn't want to hit him. 

"My guess is if she's gone back home, back where she was raised? She's gonna make 'em pay. If she went back she's looking to destroy them like they destroyed her." He spoke with a quiet pain as glanced toward Steve and back to Clint again.

He knew what he had to do, he knew exactly what his next step was but he knew too that the two men he was with weren't going to like it. Bucky Barnes rose to his feet and he looked almost apologetic as he spun quickly, his foot connected with the side of Barton's head and he knocked him clean out to the ground. Steve - hearing the commotion - turned instantly and he looked wide eyed toward Bucky who simply stood there and sighed.

"Don't make me get into it with you please." He sounded desperate.

"I can find her. I can bring her in but I can't do it with you two tagging along. I know that girl, the one she was before she met any of you and that's who I need to find now. I don't need someone trying to force her brain to break even more. If she's reverted back to that there's a reason for it. Something in her broke and if you try to force her into being who she became again you'll do more damage." His eyes never left his friend as he spoke.

"Please, Steve. Let me find her. Let me help her. You asked for my help and this _is_ the best way. I thought I could work with this but I can't. The moment I really thought about where she was going and why she might be doing it I know she's not the person any of you knew right now. If you want her to be okay you need to let me do this my way. I'll call in if I need help, if I find her and I know she's ready to come in I'll call but you need to let me work through this with her without any of you putting pressure on her to be anything else."

That was going to do much damage. He was trying his best to explain that to Steve without telling him too much. He _could_ incapacitate Steve if he really needed to and he knew Steve knew that too but it'd take much longer and expend more effort than he was willing when he knew that there was already so much that needed to be done. He was tired, he was tired and he was worried and his mind was in a tailspin that he was trying to ignore because he _did not_ want to make it too obvious that this had stirred something up he was struggling with.

Natalia, his little Ballerina. The love of his life... He'd forgotten all about her and he felt _terrible_ and now she was out there in their world and her anger would be making her reckless and stupid.

"She's gonna get herself killed." Bucky spoke with a sense of worry lacing his voice he'd sworn was impossible just days ago.

He knew it was true though, right now her mind was just as much a mess as his was and there was no way in hell she was thinking clearly and she was working through _decades_ of anger that her friends knew nothing at all about. If they came along she'd just get worse and he knew it.

"I'm doing this with or without your permission." He stated with a shrug.

Steve - assessing him - released a sigh and nodded. He wasn't particularly happy about him knocking Clint out because Clint was going to be mad as heck about that when he woke up and he'd be a huge pain about it but he knew that Bucky was just trying to save himself a pointless argument that would take far longer than he wanted to waste. It was clear he cared. Steve might not understand that and he might never understand it but he had to trust him to do what he assured him he could do.

"Go. Bring her home." Steve nodded his head with a weak smile.

"Thank you." Bucky nodded as he opened the door to the quinjet and with a gun strapped to his back, he jumped into the cold snow below him and headed to the one place he knew she'd have been first.

It wouldn't be hard for him to follow the trail of destruction, it wasn't like she'd made a quiet exit.


	4. I will not run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds his instincts to be right when it comes to the girl but instead of dissuading her he decides to join her in her fight instead... He just hopes he's making the right choice for both of their sakes because if he isn't they could both die and that isn't a loss either consider acceptable.

He wasn't supposed to be doing anything when it came to this side of life again. He'd promised himself that when he was out he was out but that goddamn girl had an unparalleled talent for getting herself into trouble. She'd always had the same goddamn talent even way back when though he swore she'd done it on purpose just to throw him into the fire _with_ her just to see what he'd do when she did. She had been young and arrogant and back then he'd tried his best to temper that.

She had a spark inside of her that refused to let him break through her defenses so easily and wouldn't let their handlers break her down, she challenged him and didn't make anything easy and he'd loved that about her.

He'd hated it too but he'd loved it all the same, she was fiery, she was wild and she was a hurricane and he hadn't realised back then just how much that'd gotten past his defenses or even how quickly. He didn't think then when he'd first been partnered with her that she'd come to mean anything close to what she had to him. He was supposed to be cold and unfeeling and empty just like she was but there was just something... Something about her that changed everything.

Something about _them_ that broke through whatever was forced inside of them and awakened something human.

If he was going to go back into hell then he was okay with it being for her, if there was ever anything that he'd willingly risk everything for it was fitting it should be her. He'd spent the last 24 hours trying to piece together as much as he could about them and their past and all he knew for sure was that seeing what happened to him had been what broke her and that she'd want revenge. If she was broken now then she was broken but free and she could fight back for the first time in her life without being afraid of the consequences. 

Natalia had always been so fearless. Natasha was more disciplined, the person ironically that they'd probably have wanted her to be rather than the firecracker of a girl they'd had. It was funny in its own way and sad in another. She'd fought so hard to become different that she had the practiced discipline now that they'd tried to make him instill in her years ago. 

He was aware and painfully so that he didn't known her anymore but he knew he'd be able to find a trail faster if he didn't have to babysit Steve and Clint too. He was aware they both cared for Natasha and they knew the person that she was now but that wasn't the person that was out there.

He knew they didn't grasp that they were looking for Natalia, they weren't looking for who she became rather who she was to begin with and who had become free when Natasha's carefully sculpted defenses came crashing down. He knew Clint had met that girl but at the end of her tenure there and not so early in it like this was. This was something that took her back to _before_ Clint had convinced her to come in, before she'd even been through half of what she'd had to endure following it.

He knew those were stories that Clint Barton did _not_ know because he'd have said otherwise. Clint would've been more use in all of this had Natasha told him more about her past but she kept her pain to herself hidden behind carefully constructed walls trapped in little boxes with keys that she thought no one would ever be able to find but she hadn't accounted for her programming. He doubted she even thought she had anything anymore.

If he'd have been more aware before now he'd have said the same, he'd have sworn there was nothing buried _that_ deep in her head, not after all this time but he'd have underestimated their cruelty just as much as she had. What they'd done to her was nothing short of evil, pure, unfiltered evil. She didn't deserve to ever be forced to relive that pain and she didn't deserve to be turned into something she'd fought so hard to get away from because they'd made it into a trigger for her.

They were determined to keep using him to hurt her and a part of him hated himself for that almost as much as he hated them for it. 

Jumping from heights didn't bother him in the slightest but the shock of the sudden temperature drop in the air and as he hit the ground did, it knocked the wind out of him and he knelt for several moments on the ground with one hand buried in about a foot and a half of snow that swallowed most of his knelt body and the other on his bent knee, it wasn't the place to stop and rest and he knew that but he'd been trained like she had to endure through things like this. He needed a second to get his bearings.

His first stop - just as she'd predicted - was his weapons drop, she'd left him a note inside and he wasn't sure whether to take comfort in it or whether to be concerned, it almost sounded like she was saying goodbye, it was almost as though she didn't expect to live through what she was trying to do but he wasn't going to let that happen to her. She was going to live through this. He wasn't going to let her fall. That was never going to be an option. If she was going to do this then fine, he probably couldn't talk her out of it and he knew it but he could _help_ her and deal with whatever he needed to deal with later.

It'd be like going back to what he'd been before at least to a degree only this time he'd be choosing it just like she did; Bucky Barnes would be in the darkest parts of the world all over again only this time - and for the first time - he'd be making his own rules. They were both free and this time - for the first time in decades - they could choose what they wanted to be and where they went from here only this time there was no threat of being taken back because they'd fight like hell to make sure that didn't happen. They weren't going to let that happen. Freedom this time was theirs and he wasn't willing to let her lose hers and he'd be damned if he lost his either.

He read over her note and he assessed every word of it for some clue as to what she'd do next, she seemed to remember things about him that he was only starting to learn about himself all over again but the fact that she was giving him pointers was helpful. She was helping him without even being there... She was filling in blanks and helping him to shape their story into something that made sense and he was thankful for that.

He couldn't stand there all night dwelling on the potential double meaning to her note though, if she was on some suicide mission he had to find her and stop her.

His next stop - naturally - was the facility they'd been held in when he first met her and as he watched the dying blaze he shook his head and sighed, she _definitely_ wasn't going for subtle. She was doing just as he thought she would, she was angry and she wanted them to know that they'd crossed the wrong person when they'd used her all those years ago and taken away everything that she loved. They'd pay for making that a part of her programming.

They'd pay for using her. They'd pay for making him a part of her programming when they'd used that exact same thing to take him away to begin with.

He stood contemplating just where she might go after this, he found himself trying his best to pull together what memories he could right now of their earliest days and while it was hard - and one hell of a headache - he was determined that he was finding her and if he had to endure the headache then so be it. It was the only way he could think of to save her even if it meant saving her from herself. She'd need to rest up after this, he had no idea if she'd incurred any injuries but he hoped like hell she'd survived.

She was being reckless but she was smart and she was strong. She wouldn't go down easy.

They weren't too far outside of Tyumen, if she was going to go anywhere to rest up and resupply it would be there. She knew the city well enough and so did he, one of their very first missions together had been there and while they'd been put in a safehouse set up by their handlers way back then she'd set up one of her own in the late 1950's not long before they'd been found out and punished for what they were.

He wondered if she still kept it all these years later, even back then Natalia had been a girl who knew how to use everything to her own advantage and that meant that she was able to manipulate her handler back then into allowing her more freedom than he probably should've and that was how she'd come to set up what he supposed was her first in a series of safehouses. She could use a hotel too, she always did like hotels.

It was the small sense of normalcy of it or at least that was what she said back then, pretenses though even back then had been solely for the sake of a mission so he wondered now whether that'd be something she'd associate with the things they'd made her do in the past or if she'd learned to move past that. There was always the fact that she'd had an apartment here once but that had been during one of her brief allowances of freedom that he knew had stopped when they'd found out about them...

Hm. 

Her apartment. That was his best guess. He knew the safehouse would be the smart option but if she was truly determined to reclaim her past that would be where she'd go. He just hoped that no one lived there that she could potentially harm simply to accomplish that. She didn't kill needlessly for the most part but she wasn't entirely in her right mind right now. He chose to walk the five miles between the facility and the city simply to clear his mind. The walk would be good for him, his head was screaming at him right now and he needed to just walk. 

Close to two hours later he gotten to the outskirts of the city and it was then he'd decided to acquire a vehicle to get where he needed to be. He hoped that he hadn't misjudged it but if he did it'd take him less than 20 minutes to get to her safe house if she was even still in the city at all... It was a risk but right now it didn't seem like she was much interested in hiding. She seemed perfectly content with them knowing that she wanted to screw them over as badly as they had her.

He didn't know what he'd find when he did eventually find her but he had to admit that the freedom of flying through the city on the motorcycle had been something he'd missed. He loved the freedom, the feeling of the air rushing against his skin, he loved the way that the engine hummed and roared and the way that it could still make his heart hammer. That could be nervousness too but he had momentary freedom and that was a whole hell of a lot more than he'd had in a long time.

Here he wasn't bound by the need to remember who he'd been before all of this, here he could settle debts and save someone he loved at the same time. Maybe the only way he'd truly be free would be to do exactly what she was doing and hit them right back. Maybe she needed to do this for her own sake and maybe he did too. It was in that moment - he supposed - that he truly, really and consciously decided that he wasn't going to talk her out of it.

The engine died as he cut it and he made his way inside deciding his best option was _not_ to climb through the window with a newly triggered Natalia to deal with and so, he tapped gently against the door instead. He didn't have to wait all that long before she opened the door just a fraction and studied him.

"I'm here alone don't worry. I ditched the cavalry." He studied her, or at least what little he could see.

She looked more or less fine. She'd just gotten out of the shower from the look of her. She studied him though and he could see that she was deciding whether or not she should trust him. She seemed amused by the fact that he had followed her clues whether he'd realised he was or not. She was always good at subtly directing people without them realising she was doing it. She was very talented, the best in her field for a very good reason.

The very best just like they'd trained her to be. Just like _he'd_ trained her to be and she didn't disappoint.

"I'm not here to hurt you, Natalia." He spoke with such a gentleness.

She recoiled and he watched the emotion flicker across her features for just a brief second, if you'd blinked you'd have missed it. She was always so composed, she never let anything slip for very long. She knew what punishment waited for her if she did that. She remained there quiet for a beat, studying him through the gap in the door before she stepped back to open it. She had a gun pointed at him though.

He laughed and shook his head.

"Still think you can take me all these years later, Little Spider?" 

She regarded him with an amused smile as she lowered the gun and tossed it on the chair standing with her arms spread and a smirk on her lips. She looked - he noted - radiant in the moonlight and so much like she had the last time they'd been alone together, her eyes alight with the same fire she'd always had, the same fire that had made him fall in love with her to begin with... He noted too though the quickening of her breath and how she watched him and every move he made.

She stood there in a t-shirt and a pair of pajama shorts looking casual and comfortable just like she had the last time they'd been truly alone together and truly themselves. That made him sure she wasn't afraid of him and he knew it, he was thankful for it because it meant that he didn't have to convince her that he wasn't going to hurt her all over again, he wanted her to know he was there to help her just like he should've been all along. 

"Other way around I think..." She teased. "I _know_ I can take you, I've just chosen not to so far. Do you wanna test me?" 

Half truth, half bravado. He couldn't help but chuckle as he nudged the door closed with his foot before he looked up at her and stepped forward. She didn't move, her hands dropped though and he reached out to take her hand and pull her toward him.

"I was never interested in hurting you, Natalia." He looked down at her as he spoke.

She was so small compared to him but lethal, so so lethal. She was the deadliest creature on the planet and he'd be stupid to forget it and he knew she knew that too. He'd never underestimate her, he never would either. He'd always known what she was and what she was capable of. Their roles had reversed over the years though, he had been the hero fallen to the darkness, she had been born to the darkness to rise from it a hero.

Now she was somewhere in between who she was and who she became. Deadlier than ever but composed and disciplined in a way she hadn't been when he'd known her. She still looked so very much the same though. Her heart still quickened when he was this close to her, she still tugged on her bottom lip to take her mind off of the fact that he _always_ made her nervous in the best kind of way... She was still so very much the same in some way but so so different in others.

"I know." She breathed, her free hand moved to his cheek. "I missed you."

Sadness flickered across his features and he released a sigh. He might've lived with the emptiness but he hadn't any idea what it was that he was missing for far too long and he hated that. They'd done such an excellent job of burying what he felt for her deep inside of him that it took literally being confronted with her name and what she was dealing with to make him begin to piece together what it was he was remembering and for him to decide it was indeed real.

"I missed you too." There was such a pain lacing his voice.

They'd took everything away from him and from her over the years and he hated it. He hated just how torn apart they'd made them inside and he saw the cracks and breaks inside of her whether she wanted him to or not. She wasn't throwing up her defenses the way he feared she would. Natalia, the girl that she'd been before knew that he was the one person in the world that she could truly trust back then and it seemed she still felt the same now.

That was good, that was very good. That gave him a place to start that didn't mean he was going right back to the beginning.

"How'd you know they'd pull me out again?" He was curious and naturally so.

She just shrugged and released a sigh. She hadn't been 100% sure but she'd hoped Clint would be smart enough to figure it out.

"Watching what happened to you was what made me like this, I knew Barton would figure it out and they'd wanna know why. He knows me, well her but I suppose we're the same person in some way or another, or at least as well as she wanted him to. He knew how to read what was going on and she knew he did. He's smart that one." 

"He's irritating is what he is." Bucky muttered. "But you're right, that is smart." 

He hadn't thought that Clint would've been able to read that much into it but it seemed he knew Natasha better than Bucky had initially thought he did. He knew how to see what she was seeing, he knew how to read her and watch what happened to her and assess what he was seeing tactically. It was actually impressive. He knew how to assess the situation so that he knew just what had happened to her and watch the moment that she broke. He knew that must have been hard to see...

Clint had been right though, turning to him had been the smart play though he had no doubt that he regret that now. He was sorry for what he'd done to Clint and to Steve but he'd done what was necessary to do right by Natalia and she was his first priority right now. 

"Your turn: how'd you know where I'd go?" She shot back.

He watched her carefully, he could tell she was trying to read the situation and trying to figure out exactly why he'd come for her, she wasn't even sure he'd even ever remember, she was glad he did though... Him not knowing had hurt more than she'd thought it would.

"I figured you'd go one of two places: back to where it started with us and where it ended or back to the place we were last together and happy, this was my best bet. This was the place most tied to your pain." He explained.

She looked down as he spoke but nodded anyway to tell him he was right.

"All things considered I didn't think it was your sentimental side that was going to win out, it took a hell of a lot of thinking for me to remember as much as I do right now and even then it's fuzzy and fractured but I'm trying, I'm trying like hell for you because I can't leave you out here alone, I won't do that." She mattered too much to him, he sounded strained as he spoke but sincere.

"If you're going to try to talk me out of this James, don't bother." She sighed as she stepped back out of his embrace just to make sure he knew she was serious, she flicked her eyes up again to hold his gaze.

"I'm not gonna talk you out of it I promise. I'm not here to tell you you shouldn't do this because I know there's no point, once your mind is made up you're a huge pain in the ass and trying to talk you around would be an even bigger headache. What I _am_ here to do is tell you that I wanna help you. You're not gonna let me talk you out of it so let me help." He knew her better than to think she'd listen to him if he told her not to do this.

She _needed_ to do this. She needed to do this to settle with their past and find some peace. He could understand that because if he was going to let himself be really, truly honest he wanted revenge just as much as she did.

"If this is some stupid trick to make me talk to Barton and Rogers just don't. I can't. They _don't_ get it. They won't get it and I need to do this." She sounded serious.

It was kind of sexy... Nope. Not the time.

"It's not a trick. I'm not here for them I'm here for you and you know that. You know I'm on your side, I was always on your side." He might not have remembered it all along but he was.

He was always on her side and he wished he'd remembered that when he'd hurt her rather than it taking her going through this. He hated himself for hurting her. He hated himself for causing her any harm but she seemed to forgive him, if only he could forgive himself so easily.

"It isn't about Barton or Rogers or your friends wanting to save you, Natalia. It's about me being by your side through everything just like I should've been all along. Let me be by your side, let me take on this fight with you. Let me end this with you for your sake and mine." It was _their_ past and their demons and they should fight together.

It made more sense for them to fight together than it did for her to fight alone. He tugged her toward him again and bowed his head to rest against hers. His hand brushed across her cheek. It was a soft sense of intimacy in a purely non-sexual way, the kind he hadn't felt in a long time. The sense of closeness and warmth that he needed more than he knew.

He wondered in the back of his mind whether she really was okay and she was going to trust him and let him help or whether she was just playing along because she could play people better than anyone else he'd ever met... It seemed almost like he doubted himself. It wasn't her. She'd hated it when he'd been toyed with in the past and he distinctly remembered her promising she'd never do it to him.

"I don't need you to save me..." She breathed softly.

"You never did." He replied as his nose brushed hers. "You were always the stronger one out of the two of us."

Brave, strong, determined... He'd always admired her even if he'd never told her. She was so alluring and he knew that she knew that but she didn't use the charms they'd taught her with him. With him it was always genuine. With him it was always real and he knew that meant so much to both of them. That wasn't programming, that wasn't anything forced into either of their minds it was actually truly them making their own choices and they'd chosen each other.

"Mm, I'm not sure that's true..." A coy smirk played on her lips. "You were always _very_ impressive."

He knew her flirty tones all too well by now and he sighed. He was frustrated but then she'd always known how to push his buttons better than anyone else. She'd always been the single most impressive creature he'd ever encountered even all these years later. It seemed indeed like that had never changed. As much as he was going to regret his next words and he was sure of it, he said it anyway.

"Not now, we have work to do..." He wanted her, of course he wanted her...

Now just wasn't the time. She'd started a chain of events that were going to catch up to her soon and he knew it. They needed to move from here before she got herself into more trouble. If they stayed one step ahead they stayed alive... If they moved, if they stayed one step ahead it stayed their game. She'd started all of this and he wasn't about to let her guard down even for his sake, hell especially not for his sake. He wasn't here to put her in more danger, he was here to help her end this once and for all.

He was here to keep her alive because he didn't want to learn how to be without her. Not again, not when he was just getting her back... He had no idea what the road ahead of them held but he did know that she wasn't going to get hurt by letting her guard down for his sake. 

"Well that's disappointing..." She pulled back and smirked.

"Later." He sounded almost stern.

"Oh that's just teasing..." She replied before rolling her eyes. "But fine, have it your way."

His way indeed... If it were up to him he'd give in but he knew that they were in danger if they didn't get the hell out of there fast. They _needed_ to stay one step ahead. They needed to keep moving until they had a better plan for what they were going to do because he knew they'd need one. They'd need one if they were going to survive. They'd need a plan to make sure that this stopped once and for all and that they truly found freedom. 

Focus Barnes, both your lives are in danger...


	5. I'm off the deep end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapped on a hell of a long train journey, Bucky has no choice but to see if he can figure out exactly where her head is right now and if there's even an modicum of doubt in her head but he's met with the same arrogant girl he knew all those years ago that knows just how to play everyone and push their buttons to see who they really are... The problem is he's not even really sure who he is himself.
> 
> A part of her might be trying to do the right thing but she's doing it the wrong way, can she really trust him or is he about to get played and left in the dust? He never could quite pin down which way that devious mind of hers would flip.

She watched the scenery zoom by, she loved the way that Europe looked when you were traveling around by train. _He_ had wanted to get a car or something and travel in a purely anonymous way, she hadn't been so keen on the idea and she'd told him that she hated the idea of being _that_ cooped up for any length of time. He'd admitted to her he wasn't keen on the idea either and that had just made her all the more certain that her way was better.

Besides - as she'd reminded him - he'd always promised her that they'd take a trip like this someday though this may not have been what they had in mind when he'd made that promise she'd grinned and told him that she'd count it as him fulfilling it anyway. 

She was impossible sometimes, still he couldn't fight the smile and he rolled his eyes. He hadn't remembered of course but then he was still trying to piece everything together in his head, Natalia - to her credit - didn't mind talking him through things which was good. He knew her well enough even subconsciously to know how to get this far though so he supposed that was something. 

"So, are you sure this is the right play?" He raised a brow as he studied her.

His tone was even, measured. She nodded her head though and popped her finger on a map on the table in front of them.

"They're still training girls like me and they're doing it here. If I wanna hit 'em where it hurts their future I hit there." She replied with an almost arrogant tone.

He gave her a scornful look.

" _We_ hit them there. You're not doing this alone remember?" See? Impossible. "Will two facilities even be _close_ to enough?"

He wasn't sure why he was asking, he knew the answer already: It'd mean she was just getting started. There were a lot of people connected to what had happened to both of them, a lot of people that she'd want to put an end to for their parts in all of this. She had _decades_ of anger to work through. 

"It'll get their attention." She shrugged. She looked at him almost like he should've known that was an obvious answer.

"There's something I need to ask you." He sighed then, he wouldn't be surprised if she avoided the question completely but he hoped she wouldn't.

He wasn't going to judge _anything_ she was doing or anything she felt like she had to do bar perhaps holding a gun on Steve after beating the shit out of him and Clint (Okay that one he wasn't so bothered about, he was irritating anyway) but she hadn't exactly been thinking clearly, the trouble was that she still wasn't and that could make her dangerous not that she wasn't already. It could make her _more_ dangerous and that? That was a scary thought even for him.

"Sure, why not." She rolled her eyes as she leaned back against her seat and she turned her gaze to the window again.

He could tell she wasn't keen on the idea but he still shook his head almost like he was silently telling her to stop acting like a pain in the ass, she was acting very much like the girl he'd trained once and while he appreciated a little nostalgia, it wasn't the time for it.

"The shot back in New York..." He looked at her properly then. He was trying to read her and she could tell.

"What about it?" She didn't bother to look at him, her eyes remained on the scenery outside.

"Why? What was it about him?" He knew that she already knew what he was asking, she was just screwing with him for the hell of it.

She'd always enjoyed turning things into a game when she could, especially when she was bored. Especially when she sought something to amuse herself with like now. She was bored and he couldn't blame her in the slightest but he didn't need her playing games. He tapped her foot with his.

"Enough of the games."

She turned to him and laughed before she shook her head.

"Don't get grumpy on me, you know I find that sexy..." Still, she rolled her eyes. "He deserved it don't worry. I didn't shoot some poor innocent man."

Okay so she wasn't _that_ far gone but she was still trying to push his buttons for the hell of it which wasn't good. She was pushing him - he supposed - to see how long it'd be before he ended up cracking, she wanted to see for sure that he really was on her side and that she wasn't being played to get her to go back to the Avengers facility like a good little girl and make nice with Natasha's friends. 

She wasn't going to do that. He should know she wasn't going to do that. He'd been happy enough to surrender but she wasn't, or at least that's what she thought. She thought he'd been happy enough to submit to what they thought he ought to do but she wasn't about to make the same mistake he was and she did think it was a mistake. She knew that he was struggling with things, he was fighting hard against what they'd done to him but in her opinion that _wasn't_ the way to handle it.

"Why don't you just stop tiptoeing around and ask me what you're really asking: Did I murder an innocent man in cold blood? The answer is No, by the way. He deserved it I just wish I could've made it slower." She rolled her eyes at him again before she turned her head to look at the window; she noted that it was starting to rain now.

She was playing with her gun removing the clip and putting it back in over and over again to keep herself busy, she was restless and he knew it and that was in and of itself concerning. She never did well when she was bored. Her mind tended to race in a thousand different directions all at once like his did and that _never_ ended well for anyone. She breathed out an irate sigh and he looked curiously toward her.

"Y'know once upon a time for both of us there was no such thing as innocent or not, we had orders and we carried it out without question because we know what'd happen if we didn't. This wasn't a mission and I know that before you get all whatever about that. I'm choosing what I do now. Me. Not them, not you or anyone else. You're not going to call the shots and make me fall in line, I'm not your second anymore. I'm not your trainee." She turned back to face him and glared.

"I don't know what's going on in your head right now, I don't know where you are and that scares me. I'm worried about you..." He tried to keep his tone as even as he could.

He failed and he knew it. She let out a short bitter laugh and rolled her eyes. 

"You're _worried_ about me?" She sounded so cold as she spoke, she put the clip back in her gun with far more force than she needed to; he threw his hand up to stop her talking.

"Don't go there." He sounded genuinely hurt as he spoke, his blue eyes flicked to the table.

That was cold even for her. He knew exactly what she was going to say. She closed her eyes, her chest rose and fell as she inhaled a deep breath and released it slowly, her eyes opened and she turned back to face him with lashes brimmed with tears that she was fighting hard not to let fall. He'd only ever seen her cry twice in all of the time that he'd known her and he could see she was fighting damn hard not to make it three times. She never did like it when people saw her cry he could tell even now she saw it as a weakness she couldn't afford to have.

"I'm sorry, you're right that was cold." She sounded quiet and sad.

He reached out to brush his hand over hers before he twined their fingers and squeezed her hand in an effort to show her that it was okay, he was there and he wasn't going to turn and go just because she'd said something that had hurt. He'd known that she'd throw something at him sooner or later and while he hated the fact that he didn't remember while she had to live with everything and he didn't have to, he was glad that now he got the chance to figure it out away from everyone else doing what he should've been doing all along: Fighting at her side.

He supposed she was still testing him in her own way to decide whether or not she could trust him and if he really was on her side or if he thought he could honestly play her and make her go back and figure out how to get back to the person she was before; James Barnes knew that she had so many people out there that loved her and cared for her but she didn't seem to believe it when he'd tried to tell her that.

She told him she'd rather stay a fugitive if she had a choice. Natasha wouldn't, she'd rather go and fight with her friends and she knew that but this wasn't a fight her friends could take on, this was a fight that darkness had to take on because light meeting dark in a situation like this would mean light would be snuffed out.

Darkness could destroy the darkness from within.

"Why did you put yourself through that back there, Nat? Why did you stay? Why did you let anyone talk you into seeing that when you remembered the first time..." He spoke with a gentle curiosity in his voice.

She knew exactly what he was talking about, why had she been there to watch him be put under again when he was right and she remembered the first time and she knew just how much it hurt the first time around. It wasn't like that this time but it was still enough for her to break... It was still painful enough to activate latent programming.

"Because Rogers wanted me to be there." She admitted. "I didn't wanna be but I couldn't think of a decent reason why I couldn't be. He needed support and I was - she was - trying to be a decent person and be there for a friend. Really bit me in the ass though. Turns out being a good person does that a lot."

She was still putting on her bravado.

"I didn't wanna see it again. I knew it'd hurt but I didn't think it'd do this. I didn't think it'd make me snap like this." She held to his hand like her life depended on it.

"Why did you agree to it? Why didn't you fight, James?" She had to know why he'd surrendered to it so easily.

"I thought it was the only way anyone could fix me. If I went under they could figure out a way to make it all go away, the triggers, the programming, all of it." It all sounded so simple at the time.

It wasn't simple, it was never going to be simple. When he came around sooner or later he was going to remember her, he'd remember _them_ and he'd hate himself for her seeing that. He wished like hell he'd remembered sooner so that he could've asked her not to do it to herself, to promise herself that he'd come back to her but he didn't want her seeing that, she didn't deserve to go through all of that again. She didn't deserve to be broken like that again.

"You were stupid." She spoke so bluntly that he laughed. 

"Oh yeah?" He rose a brow as he spoke.

"Yeah." She replied simply. "Going under again was never the answer, what were you gonna do? Trust Shuri and T'Challa to pull apart your brain and hope that they could fix you? We don't know them well enough and he wanted to kill you what, a week before that? Put your life into the hands of a man that wanted to rip you apart, great plan."

He winced. She sounded cold again.

"You're being cold, love." He reminded her gently. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Right." She had to remember to regulate emotions.

Emotions were harder than she remembered them being. She huffed out an irritated sigh and wrapped one arm around her abdomen while her other hand still held to his. She really, truly was _not_ used to actually being human while she was like this. Natasha was better with emotions, she was better with being a person but she was fighting so hard against that side of her.

"I just think it was a crappy idea." She admitted. "There could've been a better way."

"Like there was for you?" He was curious again, she frowned at him.

"You think that the way I did it was easy? I let SHIELD psych teams pull me apart mentally for _weeks_ while I had nightmares that had me literally screaming until my throat was so bad that I couldn't talk for days, nightmares that had me waking up in cold sweats scared of every goddamn thing around me and dreading sleeping again. I lashed out, beat the crap out of anyone that got anywhere near me; SHIELD would've been smart to lock me up and throw me in a deep dark hole but Barton was so intent on playing the hero that he took everything I had to throw at him and he didn't back down, he refused to let them lock me up even if it meant he had to put his own ass on the line for me."

She still thought Clint was stupid for that to this day. Noble but stupid.

"I lashed out, screamed, fought... I worked through all of it painstakingly and slowly and what I couldn't deal with around them I found ways to do it alone. I didn't have it easy."

She was never planning to tell SHIELD or Barton everything. No one got to know anything about her that she didn't want them to know.

"I didn't get to do it easy. I wasn't asleep through any of it. I didn't get put out. I was awake the whole time and I fought like hell not to lose myself again because I had that pain in the ass jerk telling me he'd come down the rabbit hole right after me if I did. He's a jackass but he saved my life. He brought me out of it with sheer determination and blind luck. I could've killed him but he didn't care. I owe Barton a lot..." Her. Natalia. Not Natasha.

"I'm not saying your way is the easy way, I'm saying that I wish you'd known me because I could've helped you like he helped me."

"I wish I had too." He spoke quietly and squeezed her hand again. He hated that he'd lost her for so long.

Still, the way she spoke about Clint bothered him in ways that he didn't like; he found himself wondering if there had ever been more to it with them and that was why he was so intent on coming along to save her like that...

"Barton is-" Bucky flexed his other hand. "Obviously he cares a lot about you."

Natalia laughed. She laughed and she shook her head at him and tried her best to fight to keep a straight face so that she could talk to him. She took in several deep breaths to fight and stop herself from laughing all over again.

"You think he and I-" She burst out laughing all over again. "Okay, okay I'm sorry. I'm good."

She inhaled more deep breaths to steady herself and then looked back at him.

"Barton isn't in love with me or with my lovely hero counterpart. He's my best friend but he's not in love with me. He's married. Happily." She ran her thumb over James's hand.

He looked embarrassed but he still breathed out a relieved sigh. He was glad to hear that. Undeniably he felt like an idiot for any jealousy momentary or otherwise but still. Emotions and dealing with them was just as new to him as it was to Natalia. Natasha had a decent handle on it all but this side to her did not. James noted though that she didn't make the distinction between the two sides when she'd referred to Barton as her best friend. It was a good thing, she was still connecting with the life that she had.

That was a good sign.

"I think we should get back to work." Now he was the one deflecting, she smirked like she wanted to point that out but she fought against it which he was glad for.

It was still her game no matter what he thought, all of this was - and would be - her game until the end. She wasn't going to allow herself to be told she could or couldn't do anything she felt like she needed to do. She wasn't going to let him hold her back, that wasn't what she was doing out here. She could quite easily screw with the 'friends' she'd made over the years but she was _choosing_ not to for now.

For now.

She drummed her finger against the top of the table. They'd be there soon, it wouldn't be too long; she'd never been particularly fond of Bosnia but for some reason or another that was where their facility was based. She supposed it made sense, there were secluded areas and the baltic regions didn't tend to attract a lot of visitors most of the time. Most people didn't like the cold. She didn't care about it though, she'd been raised in the cold.

The cold was normal for her, she actually hated summer for years after she'd defected. She found the heat suffocating but she'd sort of become used to it over the years through sheer lack of choice in the matter. She did still love Winter though, the double meaning was hers and hers alone. No one else knew about it.

"It's fitting they choose regions like this." She commented offhandedly. "Cold and remote, icy and empty just like they are."

It was poetic, she'd have appreciated the ironic poetry behind it if she weren't so intent on destroying them the way they had so many others over the years. They'd find out just what cold was from one of their most prized possessions once upon a time. They'd regret using the poor innocent child she'd been once. She'd made the choice once to be there but she'd been young, scared and alone. They'd taken advantage of her and she had no idea what they'd come to make of her.

It'd been a long journey with changes in both Paris and Munich but she didn't mind so much. She quite liked the scenery and it gave her a sense of nostalgia that she didn't tell him about but it still made her smile. She remembered many a good time that at least brought her a sense of peace here.

They'd have to acquire a car to get where they really needed to be so she supposed he still got what he'd wanted. 

"The railway will only take us so far so it looks like you're right: We'll need a car but my way was still better." She smirked. She wasn't about to admit that he was right without pointing out that she was too.

"You just can't help yourself can you?" He commented with a raised brow. "Always liked to be right, some things never change."

"You wouldn't like it if I changed. You hate that you don't know me anymore as it is. If I stop being the person you're starting to remember you'd hate it." She shrugged. 

His look told her that again she was right. He sighed though but nodded his head anyway.

"Yeah, you're right." He hadn't told her any of that but of course she knew.

She could read people better than almost anyone else he knew could. She'd made a life out of reading people both for SHIELD and for her previous... Employers. Her captors if he was to be honest about it. Employers meant that she was treat with some level of respect but neither of them were, they were treat like property. They didn't matter. They were just assets, no one cared if they lived or died out in the field because they could be replaced.

There were others just like them that could be used in their stead. Both of them.

"We're here." She spoke with a happy tone as the train slowly stopped. She stood up and glanced toward him.

"Just how exactly do you propose we procure a car?" 

"Well I _do_ have the ability to hotwire one and so do you but I think attracting attention from local law wouldn't be ideal..." He shook his head at her.

He was wondering - naturally - when she was planning to stop her games but then he supposed he still had a hell of a long way to go. She needed to prove to herself that she could trust him and she could only do that by seeing just how far she could push him just to see if he did break and admit that he was here to talk her around.

He wasn't.

"Fine, we'll buy one." She grinned. 

Exiting the train into the cold air was a shock to both of them. She stood for a moment and her nose wrinkled in displeasure. She might like the cold but getting smacked in the face with it after hours and hours and hours in the warmth? That she did _not_ like. He didn't seem to either because he let out a groan. She reached beside her to hold his hand again.

"Hotel first, car later." She wasn't giving him a choice.

She was tired, she needed a shower and she was hungry. A hotel was her best bet - their best bet - and it'd give her the chance she needed to either let him come along with her or dose him and leave him behind. She was still in two minds on which one she wanted to do. She wanted to trust him but his allegiances had laid elsewhere before now and she didn't need his loyalty to Steve Rogers overshadowing the promises he'd made to her.

She didn't need a hero. She didn't need saving and she wasn't going to surrender her quest just because his do-gooder best friend had his pride wounded when she'd taken him down twice. He shouldn't have crossed someone he didn't understand and he should've done better research on who he worked with, he'd asked for it really. A part of her knew that wasn't true, a part of her knew that Steve just wanted to protect her but she couldn't let that stop her.

She couldn't let _anything_ stop her, this was too important and if he proved to be a liability to her she'd leave him behind and make sure that not even he could follow her this time. This was something she had to do and anyone that didn't understand that was a problem she didn't need. If he wasn't going to do this with her then she'd do it without him. 

This was always her game and she'd keep it that way.


	6. It's a crime scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James wants to make amends for forgetting while she remembered everything and in that moment she realises there's only one way she's going to finish her mission without him playing hero...

Natalia watched Barnes as he walked into the ensuite, she'd insisted on getting them one room between the two of them which he wasn't sure how he felt about but she'd decided that it was the best way for her to figure him out properly. It'd give him the same chance to figure her out too which was something she knew he needed whether he wanted to admit it or not, she knew he was struggling and in truth so was she, she just wasn't sure what to do about it.

She hadn't been in close quarters with him in over sixty years and that was something she was going to have to learn to deal with. She needed him to be open and honest with her and if he was in another place that wasn't going to happen. She want trying to trap him, she had told him if he wanted his own room he was free to do so. He'd chosen thusfar to stay. He had chosen, she hadn't made him do anything. She'd given him a choice and he'd taken this option which told her he wanted to figure this out just as much as she did.

If they were like this she could decide wholly once and for all that she could trust him; he shut the door to get a shower and she sighed, she sat on the bed and reached into her bag to pull out her cell phone, it was the first time that she'd turned it on since she'd left. She turned it over and over in her hand before she turned it over to read the multitude of notifications she had and she unlocked it and started to read through all of the text messages. She had over 25 of them.

At least 9 were off of Clint. She opened them and scrolled through them so she could find the first one and read down from there.

_Hey Tasha, I'm really worried right now, you're scaring the hell out of everyone. I don't know what happened to you but I miss you. I got your back, I've always had your back so come back home. We can figure this out together._

She released a sigh as she read it, she could tell how much he scared for her. She could tell how much he wanted to help and a part of her wished he could. A part of her wished he could get through this with her but it wasn't possible.

_Nat seriously come home, 'kay? You're scaring the shit out of me. I'm really worried. Don't you dare die on me out there or I swear I'll bring you back and kill you myself, don't think I won't! If Barnes found you yet tell him he's an asshole, if he hasn't he's looking for you but still tell him he's an asshole. I don't know what the deal with you and him is but tell him he better make sure you stay alive or I'll shoot him. You know you have family back here, come back safe. Just come back._

She felt bad. She scrolled through the rest of the messages which were mostly him telling her he was worried about her, one or two ranting about the fact that he was pretty sure he had a concussion and he wasn't happy about it and that she needed to whack Barnes in the head for him to get even. She made a mental note of asking James what it was that he'd done to him to warrant both being called an asshole and her being instructed to hit him. She shook her head and laughed.

She had another 9 messages off of Steve who had probably had Sharon text her for him because he wasn't great with that stuff, it was mostly apologies and reminders that she wasn't alone out here if she didn't want to be, that he hoped Bucky - it still made her cringe slightly when she heard that - had found her and that while Steve didn't know what was going on out here he hoped she knew he'd have her back if she needed it. He promised her she could come home no matter what.

She appreciated the sentiment, he was a good man and not any part of her doubted that. It didn't matter whether it was the person she was now or the person she'd become she didn't believe for one second that Steve Rogers was anything but a good man. She knew that once, she'd have been taught to believe otherwise but she knew it wasn't true. She could see why James cared so much for him and why he'd been willing to do whatever he could to be better for his friends sake.

She also had 3 messages off of Maria Hill and 2 off of Nick Fury, she had a few off of other people too and she couldn't help but sigh. It seemed as though James and Clint were both right: she had people out there who cared about her and it made her uneasy. She should find comfort in the fact but she didn't. This side of her wasn't used to having people care.

She still wasn't sure how she felt about _him_ being here much less the idea of anyone else coming out here after her.

Decidedly, she opened the message thread with Clint Barton and decided against her better judgment to reply. If she didn't she had no doubt he'd do something dumb. Dumb was pretty much what he did best when he was trying to help people he cared about.

Natalia typed out a message that she hoped would deter him from following, she wrote:

_Barton stop being dramatic I'm fine, I'm still alive and I don't want you coming after me so don't be an idiot. Barnes found me a few days ago and he's insisting on coming with me so I doubt he's going to let me die. I don't need a hero here so just don't, stay home. Stay alive. Don't be dumb this time._

she hoped that would stop him, it was either that or texting him back at all would prove to be a mistake that would come around and bite her in the ass. You could never tell with things like that but she hoped the former would be true and the latter wouldn't happen.

She released a sigh and turned off her phone again and removed the SIM card just as Barnes emerged from the bathroom and she waved gently before she tossed her phone back into her bag. He watched her and rose a brow curiously at her.

"Everything okay?" 

She nodded her head at his question.

"I texted Barton back. He sent a bunch of messages, he sounded worried..." she drifted off, she was starting to sound remarkably like Natasha rather than the girl she was fighting to be now.

James had a telltale smile on his face as he walked over and sat down beside her, his arm slipped around her shoulder as he pulled her into a sideways hug. She still cared, she was still in touch some of her humanity and that was a good sign, it could very well be fleeting but it was still a good sign.

"What?" She frowned as she glanced at him. "He also said you were an asshole by the way."

That seemed to amuse James because he laughed and shrugged.

"I don't need him to like me, saving you was more important." As he spoke, she glared at him.

"I _don't_ need saving James." She was irritated at the very implication of it.

"That came out wrong." He sounded exacerbated as he looked toward her.

His hand moved to her cheek and he s turned her face carefully looking for anything in her face that'd tell him what was going on in her head. He couldn't figure her out and it was bothering him to no end. Naturally she noticed the way he studied her and she frowned.

"I don't wanna lose you again, not when I'm just starting to get you back. I came out here to find you because I needed to make it right, I didn't know. That whole time I was out I didn't know and I want you to know how sorry I am for that. I want you to know I wish I remembered then." He sounded so sad.

She was still battling with figuring out emotions in her renewed former state, she had only ever admitted feelings for him in her long, extensive life. She'd lived a hell of a long time and in all of that she'd only ever loved once. She'd only ever felt anything true and real with him.

It was easier to listen to his feelings knowing that. Knowing how she had cared for him and loved him when nothing else had been real to her made it easier to sit here now and listen to him admit his regret at losing what they had. She'd lived with it while he hadn't.

"I'm used to losing people." She tried to sound dismissive. "Nothing in this life is permanent not even for us."

He didn't like how dismissive she was acting and that showed in the expression currently on painted on his features.

"Don't do that. You had to stand there and pretend you weren't hurting then but you don't have to now. It's you and me here, talk to me. I need you to talk to me, Natalia. Don't shut me out." He needed it to be open and honest or more the ever.

He was still relearning his mind just as she was here and pretenses and bravado wasn't going to help either one of them, he needed her to be open and honest with him and her? She made a decision at that moment that'd change the direction of her mission entirely, she placed her hand on his cheek as her forehead rested against his.

"I'm sorry..." She whispered.

He frowned and looked questionably toward her, he didn't even see what was coming next, he didn't see as she pulled the needle out of her bag behind him until she jabbed it into his neck and pushed the plunger down, wide eyed and clearly confused, silently asking her why with words that just wouldn't come she could see him fighting desperately against her sedative.

She felt awful but it was all she could think of; she was trying to do the right thing.

She gently guided him down toward the mattress before she leaned down to kiss him and sighed.

"Your emotions are too much of a liability, James." She stated quietly. "You'll get yourself killed with your hero complex."

He definitely was _not_ going to die for her. He wanted to fix what they were and make peace with what had happened and while she understood that, she didn't need the distraction.

Not now.

If she was distracted they'd both end up dead or she'd be running for the rest of her life because she'd started something he'd made her too distracted to finish, he could make his peace with all of this and so would she but only when all of this was over but until then, she couldn't allow it to distract her.

"I'm so sorry." It was the last thing he saw or heard before he blacked out.

It was necessary but it didn't make it any easier for her to have to do. He deserved better.


	7. We are kicked down, forced to fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natalia completes her mission but James isn't thrilled with her recklessness... Can she actually stop for long enough to actually trust him enough to let him help her or will she assess his feelings as the liability she thinks they are?

She felt bad for dosing him... Sort of.

She'd kept her tranquilisers on her just in case she had to dose someone and interrogate them but knocking Barnes out so he couldn't try to play hero was just as good a reason to use it as any. She knew he'd have a hell of a headache when he woke up so she'd left a note apologising for that but making it clear she'd had a reason for what she was doing. She'd made her decision the moment he said that saving her was more important. Saving her would come before the mission and she couldn't let that happen.

She didn't _need_ saving. A part of her wished that she was working with The Winter Soldier at least he knew how to put the mission first but even back then he'd been careful when it came to her, he'd been cautious and protective but he hadn't been so obvious about it because they knew they'd have been punished far sooner if he'd made it obvious that he was forfeiting any opportunity in their mission to keep her safe.

He knew better than to think that she needed constant protection though, he'd trained her better. He'd always told her that she made what they did look graceful and he wouldn't have ever thought that anyone could make killing people look graceful; he'd always said it was like a dance for her and she did it so well it was beautiful in its own way. She couldn't deny that she was amused when he'd told her that but the sound of awe in his voice told her that he was actually being serious.

She knew he'd always loved to watch her fight.

It was a pity really that he couldn't be with her now but he wasn't himself, he was somewhere in between who he was turned into by HYDRA and The Russians and being Bucky Barnes, best friend of Captain America and hero turned villain turned recovering lost soul and she didn't need that person now. That person would try too hard to keep her alive and probably end up either getting himself killed in the process or blowing everything. She needed who he'd been before if she needed any side of him at all and she wouldn't do that to him.

She wouldn't bring him into that kind of darkness again, not when he was fighting so hard to get away from it all, she wasn't heartless and she cared too much about him for that. She reminded herself that what she'd done was for the best a thousand times as she made her way from their hotel to the facility and she settled herself in as far a vantage point as she could find from the actual place so that she could try to figure out which of the many moves she could come up with in her head would be the safest. She didn't want to die out here, this wasn't a suicide mission. 

This was another facility she once knew like the back of her hand so there was no real need for planning in her mind but she did need to be smart about how she approached it; she'd been able to pull up schematics just in case anything had changed and bar a new lab being built just off of the south of the building it had mostly remained the same. The files she'd gotten from the system before she'd blown the other facility were useful enough for giving her most of the information she needed but the rest was working off of her shaky memory which probably wasn't ideal.

She didn't much care about that though.

She wholly intended for this to be brute force anyway, destruction and chaos was exactly what they deserved anyway and in truth it was what she needed to calm the fury she felt toward them for everything that they'd done to her. She needed to get the kids out safely which was her main priority. She wasn't entirely heartless and they were the whole reason she was doing all of this to begin with. They weren't going to turn these girls into what they'd turned her into. She wasn't going to allow them to do it to those kids.

She might not be the best person when it came to kids but she'd been around children before that had reminded her of her lost innocence and she wasn't willing to let them do that to anyone else. No one deserved what she'd been through, no one so young deserved to be destroyed like that.

It was nightfall, dark enough to conceal her slender frame as she moved toward the building itself; she'd decided that the top of the building would give her the best internal vantage point to look around the whole place properly. She knew how to avoid cameras easy enough just like she knew how to avoid tripping any outside security alarms there might be because she'd been trained vigorously by these very people to be able to do that, they probably hadn't banked on one of their own turning against them. They were foolish.

They'd always taught her to expect the unexpected out there and yet it would seem they did not.

They didn't plan for this it would seem. She and Barnes were wildcards, she supposed they counted on the two of them being too worried to come back here and do anything about what they were doing out here or who they were hurting. She wasn't worried. She didn't care. She wasn't on a suicide mission, quite the opposite. She wholly wanted to live through all of this which was exactly why she was being as smart about it as she could be about it all. 

She was light footed which was good, she moved with the skill and lithe of a dancer and stepped as lightly as a feather, she was lethal and dangerous and if they were smart they were going to remember that. They were going to remember how well they'd trained her and what a little monster they'd created just before she destroyed them and burned it all to the ground.

She and James used to play a game, the first one that got spotted by the security cameras bought breakfast. It brought a smile to her lips, sometimes she missed the old days but especially now but he couldn't be here, he wasn't the person she needed him to be anymore and she couldn't do this with someone that wanted to play hero. 

Her heartbeat was as steady as her soft footsteps as she slipped into the rooftop door. She'd mapped out the vents but she'd decided not to use them unless she absolutely _had_ to, confined spaces from the last one were bad enough without repeating that; she didn't need to be setting off any more unpleasant memories after everything else she'd been through. She approached one guard from behind and she wrapped her hands around his neck as she pulled him back against her body and with one swift twist she listened to the sickening crunch as his neck snapped and she guided his body toward the floor, she didn't need the noise of a dropping body.

Guard two off to her right was taken to his knees with her Widows bite that had his body shake and spasm enough to stop him shouting out and she finished it with a shot through the chin as she skidded low on the floor to avoid three from noticing her, the silencer on her gun was useful for muffling her kills, the fact that her gun was pressed directly against his skin helped too. She wasn't sloppy. Three was taken to the floor with a beautiful move that almost mirrored a pirouette and shot twice in the chest. She could've gone for a few more shots but overkill was a waste of time. The camera turned one way and she slipped easily beneath it.

She slipped around the corner and through a door behind her and she pressed her slender body against it as she closed it quietly behind her; it was sloppy of them to leave their security room unattended though she supposed that was what Guards 1, 2 and 3 were for. They hadn't been a challenge at all. Her eyes perused the cameras laid before her, there were over a hundred of them altogether, they weren't as sloppy as she'd thought they were... Maybe one or two people in here _were_ smart after all.

It didn't take her all that long to set most of them on a loop. She left 12 as they were because she wanted to make a point of showing them what she could do, she wanted to make a point of showing them what their little weapon had turned into.

She wasn't interested in making this secret after all. She just needed to make sure the 'living quarters' if you could call them that weren't being surveilled too heavily while she got the kids out because she didn't need a bunch of kids in the crossfire. She was on the floor above there and her best bet was the vents if she didn't want to end up dealing with about 30 guards between here and there which was just effort she did _not_ need to be expending, not when she had a bunch of kids to deal with. It didn't mean she was in any way happy with it though.

Confined spaces. Who the hell liked confined spaces anyway... 

She quickly removed the screws from the vent above the desk as she stood on the edge of the console for leverage and hauled herself up. She moved silently through her temporary metallic prison, at least prison was the way it felt. It felt like another cryotube. Another locked up suffocating little area that she was desperate to get out of so she tried her best to busy her mind with something else seeing how emptying it simply wasn't a possibility. She thought about James, she wondered idly in her mind if he was awake yet.

It'd probably be hours before he was but still. He was going to be pissed when he did wake up, she didn't blame him in the slightest but he had to understand that she was doing what she was for a reason she didn't need his heroics putting them both in danger because he was too worried about her dying to focus,

Her death may very well happen someday but it wouldn't her here or now or at the hands of these assholes and she remained resolute in that as she moved through the right she vents glad at this point for her small frame and agile, flexible body. They had indeed trained her well, she had no doubt if she were still theirs they'd be impressed with her.

Proud even, the thought was nauseating,

She slipped out of the vent in the middle of a blind spot between two cameras, her movements and skill as always impeccable. She was no fool. Guard four was taken down with a choke hold and a shot to the side of the head, she needed his security key. It was a necessity though she couldn't deny that there was a small sense of satisfaction that another of these sons of bitches wouldn't live through this, it served them right in her mind for turning a blind eye to all of this.

They were just as guilty in her mind as the higher ups were, just as culpable for all of the pain and destruction that these people inflicted on peoples lives and the world around them. They'd turned a blind eye and they'd accepted money for their ignorance. She'd show no mercy to anyone like that.

She slid the security key down the side of the lock and the little button turned green, it was so much like a bad movie in the way it was designed that it almost had her roll her eyes. The security cameras here were looped. She didn't need to be shooting a bunch of assholes in the middle of a bunch of kids. Collateral damage was fine if they weren't children, she drew a line. She'd been forced into enough evil she wouldn't ever inflict harm on a child again.

The thought of it had her hands clench, one into a fist and the other against the grip on her gun her anger made guards five and six go down with shots straight through their heads. She contemplated shots through the kneecaps first just to make them suffer a little bit, they were lucky that she was in a hurry to get this damn job over with and get these kids somewhere safe. She knew a man not too far away that could take the girls and find them decent homes.

She'd spoken to him earlier today and he'd agreed that he'd do it, she'd have to pay him but she didn't mind too much. She hit the button behind her on the wall and each door ahead of her opened and six girls emerged from their rooms with confused and guarded expressions on their features, they were varying in age from 6 to about 12. The older ones would take a little more work than the others would but it was worth it despite the challenges.

It was better than them ever being what she was. 

The older two took immediate stances and she placed the gun back in the holster on her thigh and rose a brow studying them. She rolled her eyes after a moment and laughed. She informed them that it didn't matter what training they'd been through these last few years they wouldn't win whatever pointless fight they were considering in their heads. She was met with defiance which she'd expected. They were then informed that she _would_ knock them out if she had to but she'd prefer not to.

It was time consuming and she didn't want to have to deal with two unconscious pre-teens when she had to get out of here quick with the others. Having an 11 and a 12 year old threatening to kick your ass was undeniably funny though. They reminded her of herself at that age. She gave them two options: Come with her and she'd give them a better life away from all of this before they were turned into mindless little killing machines or stay here and be exactly that to meet a bullet when they'd outlived their uses.

 _If_ they even made it through their graduating class anyway and from the way that they acted they wouldn't. They had to toughen up and even she could tell these two didn't have what it took. They hadn't made their first kill yet but they would in about a year and even she knew they'd flunk it just from looking at them. She even outright told them that they wouldn't even make their graduating class and they'd be dead by the time they were 16. She didn't see the point in lying. 

They weren't thrilled about it. The younger four begged them and she informed them that if they didn't move now they'd either get left here knocked out and therefore meeting whatever fate they doled out for them or they could come with her and survive tonight, it was up to them. Self preservation it seemed won out.

She ordered them to stay behind her and if _any_ shots were fired drop to the damn floor quickly and get as far back as they possibly could. If the floor plans she'd accessed were correct there was an elevator at the end of the hall to the right that'd take them down to an underground parking lot which was their best chance of getting out of here without dealing with _too_ many guards. That was the smart play. She wasn't sure exactly what she was going to do with six kids but she supposed she'd be able to find a van down there she could steal.

Guard seven did get a bullet through the knee and disarmed, she crouched down in front of him with a wicked smile on red painted lips and she informed him to tell them exactly what he'd seen today. 

The security card activated the elevator and she ordered her little group of wayward children in, she could tell that they were still reluctant and the younger ones even seemed slightly afraid of her. It would've bothered Natasha but in her present state she didn't have the time to stop and dwell on it, wasted time was another chance to die down here and that was _not_ going to happen. The ride down thankfully took seconds because children were... Well, she wasn't used to dealing with them so.

The elevator pinged open and eight and nine were taken, one by her and the other with the oldest of the group who had pulled a knife from Natalia's boot as she swept low, that earned a look over her shoulder and a smirk, a nod of appreciation. She hadn't killed the man but he'd be in a hell of a lot of pain. She kicked him in the head just to shut him up. Okay, he was unconscious _and_ he'd be in a lot of pain. It was well deserved though. 

She looked around and pointed to a van in the far left corner and told the kids to run. Run as fast and they could as she shot out two cameras. Ejecting the clip, she shoved another in and made a run for it, she ducked out of the way of shots fired from the two guards on the gate that were silenced seconds later. She skidded to a halt and turned abruptly. Uh oh. Not good.

She stared at Barnes and rolled her eyes as he walked over.

"We'll talk about this later." He sounded _pissed._

She fought back laughter. She knew he'd be mad as hell when he woke up but she didn't think that he'd show up like this, she raised a brow as she studied him before she just shook her head at him and crossed her arms across her chest.

"And you call _me_ reckless. Did you even have a plan there hero? You just gonna walk in and hope for the best? You're good but not even you're that good." 

"You have no idea how good I am anymore, move your ass before I shoot you myself." Yep, pissed.

"Yes dad." She replied mockingly before she walked toward the van assuring the kids that the grouchy ass wasn't going to hurt them. 

They seemed to trust him about as much as they trusted her which wasn't a whole bunch if at all but they were all stuck together for now so there wasn't all that much _anyone_ could do about it. It was about a half hours drive from where they were to where she wanted to be but she'd refused to tell him where they were going because in truth it was none of his damn business anyway. He'd just crashed her mission - again - and scorned her like an angry parent.

She hated that kind of shit and he knew it.

As they arrived and the van came to a halt, the engine dying as she loosened the wires she'd stuck together to hotwire the damn thing, she hopped out and opened the back for the kids. She counted each one though she knew exactly how many there were but really she was just checking them for weapons or any injuries in the way out of there. The last thing she needed was for all of this to go sideways. She was in for a world of hurt when they watched the footage.

The problem was she didn't care.

Barnes hadn't let up with the pissed off look for the past 20 minutes and she'd told him he was acting like a moody child which hadn't gone down well. He just kept telling her they'd talk about this later which kept earning him a whole bunch of mocking answers. She was in no mood to be chastised for doing exactly what she'd set out to do. 

As she made her way inside of the building she'd told him to stay outside and he hadn't listened and she huffed out a sigh. The man that stood before her had been a man that Natalia had met during one of her last missions before she'd defected and joined SHIELD. He pulled her into a hug which earned him a wrinkled nose and she pulled back.

"I hate hugs." She stated flatly. "Personal space is good."

"You owe me that at least for taking in your strays, Natalia." He replied with a grin. He could tell she was trying to refrain from hitting him.

He chuckled.

"The older two will need some deprogramming." He studied the girls in turn.

Natalia sighed but nodded anyway, she'd expected as much because they'd been through it longer than the younger kids had. She knew deprogramming was rough because she'd been through it at SHIELD. It was horrible and painful and her headaches had lasted for weeks, the nightmares for months but she'd been in it a whole hell of a lot longer than they had so it wouldn't been as bad for them.

"Make it as gentle as you can?" She requested quietly. "I don't want them hurt."

She wasn't heartless. He nodded his head and reached out to place a hand on her shoulder as he gave her a onceover then to try to see if she was hurt. He wanted to ask her so many questions but he knew that now wasn't the time. She'd told him the basics and that had to be enough for now.

"I'll check in when I can." She turned to him and smiled. 

"Don't go getting yourself killed out there, hm?" He looked toward Bucky as he finished speaking.

"You look after her."

This time it was Natalia who pulled the man into a hug as she thanked him and she turned to each girl telling them that they'd be safe now and that they had to trust that the life they were about to find would be far better than the one that they'd have had back there, she could tell they were reluctant but what choice did they really have? She felt terrible she couldn't do more for them and so she apologised and turned to leave, Bucky followed her wordlessly. He'd watched the whole thing but all of it been her show. He didn't need to be intruding on that, besides he was already mad as all hell at her for her little stunt and the moment he got her on her own she was about to know that. 

* * *

"We're not staying back at the hotel." She stated simply as soon as they'd driven away.

He'd guessed as much, it would end up being another burned location and he was glad for it in his own way. While he wasn't opposed to stopping and staying still for once just so that he could actually get her to stop and _talk_ to him properly he knew it wasn't going to happen, not there at least and not while they were so close to what she'd just done. He understood why she wanted to save the girls he really did but she was stupid.

She shouldn't have gone in alone. She'd done brilliantly and he was proud of her but he hated that she could've put her ass on the line with no backup because she'd dosed the only person out here who could help her at all. It had been a reckless move and she should've known better. She'd been trained better than that. 

"You were stupid. You were reckless and stupid. What would you have done if you'd gotten into something you couldn't get out of alone? I taught you better than that and I damn well know SHIELD did too." Yeah, he was goddamn angry.

She looked at him and glared.

"Do we _have_ to do this now? We need to get our stuff and get the hell out of here then you can be pissed all you want." She understood, she really did understand but it was bad timing.

"You need to answer me, Natalia. What the hell do you think you were doing?" Ah. She could read between the lines.

He was worried she'd end up dead.

"Because I didn't want you to try to save me. I had the schematics, their security teams suck but then they've always sucked ever since we were there and they don't make half as many adjustments as they should in case people like us go rogue and go back to screw them over the way they screwed us. They didn't exactly make it _hard_ to do." 

"You're over-confident again. You're acting like you're invincible just like you did back then but you're not. You're just as able to be killed as the rest of us are and you know it. You promised me this wasn't some suicide mission so what the hell are you doing? All of that could've done sideways fast." He wasn't scornful anymore, he sounded worried.

"I never had an extraction plan with SHIELD either. I can handle myself. I get that you're worried James I really do. What do you want from me? I had a job to do and I couldn't risk you trying to save me and throwing that out of the window. If you'd try to save me more than you focussed on the mission it could've gotten us both killed." She looked at him as she spoke. They pulled up to the hotel.

"Or one of the kids. I got in and out with no complications but there could've been if you tried your heroics and once you knew that. Once you knew that the mission had to come first and I needed that side to you not Captain America's best friend." She sighed then, she felt awful for admitting that.

Even in her present state she felt awful for admitting that. 

"Natalia, I can't be that person again I'm sorry. I know that you don't need saving sweetheart but I won't watch you play with your life either." He reached over to hold her hand in his.

"Fine, you're right: I was an idiot. I should've thought it through but I _still_ got my job done James. I still succeeded. I did it _right_ and I didn't get anyone hurt. I get that I scared you and I get you're worried but c'mon! You can't tell me I screwed up if you're not willing to tell me at least I didn't entirely fail. Constructive criticism from my teacher? Sure. Worried ranting from- I don't need that."

He studied her as he spoke, he could tell that she was struggling with everything. He could tell that what was going on with her superseded anything she was used to dealing with in either of her two lives. He squeezed her hand for reassurance.

"We'll talk soon, okay? I'll run up and grab our stuff." He was trying his best to be reassuring.

She nodded her head, a small smile touched her features as she hit her head against the back of the chair out of frustration as he climbed out of the van and made his way toward the hotel. She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself before she buried her head in her knees and chewed her bottom lip softly trying hard to settle her breathing. Her eyes closed and she kept them that way until she heard the door next to her open and she immediately reached for her gun and turned dropping her posture from its retreated state to something far more rigid.

He placed his hand on the barrel of the gun and lowered it gently. 

"It's okay, it's just me." Once again she could read between the lines: _You're okay, you're safe._

_Safe. Ha._

She smiled at him anyway and nodded her head. She wanted to believe he was right, she wanted to believe the illusion of safety that James Barnes was offering her but she knew it was a bad idea if ever she'd heard one. It would be foolish to accept it because she knew she'd made sure that neither one of them was safe now. If he stayed with her he was facing the same threat she was. If he stayed he was in the same crosshares of the same gun as she was.

"I don't know what you want from me, James." She whispered quietly. "I'm not sorry I got my job done."

She wasn't sorry she saved those girls. She wasn't sorry she'd gone in and she'd gotten her mission done and she wasn't sorry she'd done it without him as much as he wanted her to be sorry for it. She could tell that he wanted her to apologise for being stupid but to her she wasn't. It had been a simple in and out. It had been simpler than it would've been with just her and not both of them. 

"I don't want you to be sorry you got your job done, Natalia. I want you to understand that you could've been hurt." He turned to her placing his hand on her cheek.

"I want you to understand that what you did tonight is you going back to the girl I taught all those years ago not the skilled person I saw that was trained by SHIELD, we went toe to toe and I could tell you were holding back but you were skilled. Disciplined. Today you weren't. Today there was _no_ discipline. Today was reckless." 

Despite herself she leaned into his touch.

"Years might've passed since then but I'm me. I'm _her_ at least in some ways. You taught me. You knew me back then but you _don't_ know who I am now. I don't know you. We're not who we were, James. None of us ever will be again but this? This is who I am for now. This is _what_ I am now, this is what you had to come back to and I'm sorry but that but... I don't know whether this will wear off. I don't know if I'll go back or I'll be like this until it gets me killed but this is what I am. This is _who_ I am." She sounded sad as she spoke.

She sounded sad but she needed him to understand. 

"You can't save me this time." She added softly.

"I don't want to save you. I don't wanna make you go back to who you were again I just want to fight by your side the way I did before. Trust me. You trusted me once, trust me now. I can keep you safe without saving you. I won't throw myself into anything stupid I just want you to stop running into a fight because you're hurting." His thumb drew a line down her jaw.

"I remember enough to know that you and I make a hell of a team." He gave her a ghost of a smile.

"Do you remember enough to know you told me you'd rather die than let me die? Do you remember when we laid there that night and you told me that I was right and we should run? That you-" She cut off with a sigh and turned away from him. 

"Do I remember when I told you we could have a life if we ran? Yeah I remember. I told you that night that I'd rather have a life with you than live forever as their weapon. I told you you were the only thing that mattered to me and I'd run a thousand times over if I could have one more day with you."

"You're running with me now but you're running for your life." She pointed out.

He shrugged though.

"I'd rather run through my life than go back to one without you. I'll run with you no matter what we're running toward or who we're running from."

She couldn't help but laugh at how idealistic and romantic he sounded. He looked at her with a questioning look and she just shook her head before she leaned over and kissed him. It was the first time she had properly, not when he was unconscious and she was trying to say her own kind of apology. As she pulled away he looked more confused and she just smiled.

"What was that?" He didn't sound angry though. That was good.

"A thank you." She replied with a shrug. "C'mon, lets get out of here. We can talk about that later."

"Or on the road?" He offered. She laughed again and nodded anyway.

"Fine, fine. Just drive Romeo." She sounded teasing.

He rolled his eyes at her giving her that _not again_ look. She grinned, even after all this time she could get under his skin. Good. She needed to know that at least. She needed to know that at least a part of him still _remembered_ the way that they were once and maybe a part of him wanted it back even if she was still trying to work out what she wanted herself.

"Where are we going anyway?" He probably should've asked that _before_ he set off...

"Don't know. I'll tell you when I figure it out." 

He laughed but reached over to squeeze her hand. He should've known after everything she'd done today _without_ a decent plan she wouldn't have a whole plan for the rest of this either. A part of him was glad for that... He really had wanted to run with her once and maybe now they could. Maybe now he could convince her she didn't have to do all of this or maybe, just maybe they'd end their hell and find a way to move on together.


	8. The demons we're made of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But... Does everyone make it out alive?

"We're in big trouble." Clint muttered as he kicked up his feet on the table in front of him. 

Steve glared pointedly at him and told him to take his feet off of the table but he did nothing but shrug, point to his head and remind him that his jerk of a best friend had kicked him in the head and that he had a concussion; Steve'd had to put up with this for the last 3 days and at this point he felt like knocking him out himself just to get some peace. Barton was impossible sometimes just as Natasha said he was. The thought of her brought a sad expression to his face and he sighed.

"Yeah, I miss her too." Clint muttered as he noted Steve's expression.

"Where are we on tracking them?" Steve sounded somewhat desperate at this point. 

Clint shared the sentiment but he was far less obvious about it, of course he missed his best friend. He was internalising and calculating exactly what the best play was here because while he knew Natasha, he'd only known the girl she was before that for a few months so he was far from being an expert. He was still sort of reeling from the fact that Barnes had been a part of her life before all of this and that he was probably the only person that could actually give them any real help and he was out there with her doing hell only knew what.

It bothered him and he was more shocked by it than he wanted to admit. He wanted to be able to help Natasha but they were helpless and he was pissed as hell about it. Clint Barton didn't like to be helpless, he knew that Steve was pissed about it too but Rogers wouldn't show it and he was _far_ too polite to say it. Both of them had more questions than they knew what to do with but there wasn't all that much they could do about it unless they could get Barnes in a goddamn room and demand some answers anyway.

The only two people that _could_ give them answers were off somewhere - Eastern Europe the last they'd been able to pin it down - doing some utterly destructive mission that wouldn't end well for Nat. He didn't understand why Bucky hadn't tried to bring her in already but he supposed it had a lot to do with who she was before and not a whole lot to do with who she'd become since joining SHIELD. Natasha wasn't that girl anymore.

It seemed though that that girl was angry as hell at the world and she had a lot of unfinished business with the monsters that had created them and he knew that the threat she posed if someone tried to step in and stop her was immense but he hated the thought of leaving her out there alone.

Barnes didn't count, in Clint's eyes she was alone. Bucky Barnes had been bad news before all of this because of the whole Winter Soldier-thing and he wholly respected the redemption kick because Nat had been through the same thing once upon a time but that didn't make it any easier for him to accept that buried inside of that brain of his was a connection to the darker side of his best friend and he hadn't told them what exactly had triggered her.

He couldn't help if he didn't know and he didn't like to be helpless, not when it came to Natasha so right now Bucky Barnes was firmy on Clints shitlist.

Okay, he didn't dislike Bucky _that_ much but he had lied to him about his best friend and so that put him firmly in Clint Barton's _you're an asshole_ category right now. There were a few people in there now: Tony, Bucky, Thor depending on the day, Loki like... Always. He was the king of Clint's little category. Stupid asshat. He rolled his eyes at Steve's question though and shrugged.

"Last time I got any info they were in Siberia. She didn't destroy the facility this time so that's something. I don't know what she was doing there though... They were on their way out of the city before we lost sight on traffic cameras." He sighed as he spoke and leaned back in his chair.

"Minimum destruction is good." Steve nodded. "It means that she's not just killing for the hell of it, right?"

Steve had no idea, he'd never dealt with this side of Natasha and he'd never directly faced the darker side of Bucky before either with the exception of one fight, after that it had been a broken version of the person he'd known before combined with the assassin that HYDRA had turned him into. It wasn't like Bucky had been outright _bad_ when Steve had been trying to bring him in but Natasha seemed to be right now. Well.. Sort of. 

She'd beat the hell out of him twice so... That wasn't normal.

Romanov wasn't herself right now but then he'd been willing to help Bucky out no matter what when Bucky had been the one under and lost. He knew that Clint would fight for Natasha because he loved her too much to just let her slip after everything they'd already been through; she was his best friend just like she and Bucky Steve's best friends too. He was confused at everything with Bucky and that was... Well he wasn't all that sure but he knew that it wasn't Bucky's fault. He didn't know what was buried in that brain of his but Natasha...

The thought made him sigh. Spies lie, right? He didn't like the thought of her lying to him and that was something he knew Clint related to, too. He could understand why she hadn't said anything though. She would've thought that he didn't need her pain on top of his own and she hated to talk about her past. Her past was nothing but pain to her only that pain ran far deeper than any of them could've possibly understood.

"It means she had no reason to kill them yeah." Clint replied.

"There were casualties but I'm guessing not more than she needed to take out. Could also be her sending a message which is just as bad. If she's sending open challenges to these people then she's in a lot of trouble when they decide to take it."

So yeah, in a way he supposed Steve was right and she wasn't necessarily killing for the sake of killing but she was being reckless in her own way. What had happened with the first facility was just her proving that they weren't ever safe, whatever she'd done here was to prove she could _always_ get inside... He had no idea what was next and that was scaring him. She was capable of causing an untold amount of damage if she wanted to and he knew that. There was no one scarier in the world than Natalia Romanova when she wanted to be or at least not to him, she was also his best friend though or at least his best friend was in there somewhere.

"She had kids with her when they left that facility though, I'm guessing there was a drop made after that because they didn't have the kids with 'em when they were on the way outta the city again..." Clint frowned as he spoke. Steve rose a brow as he looked at him.

"Training facility?" Steve offered, it was the only thing that made sense to him. 

"I think so, I think she wanted to take their girls before they could turn 'em into weapons but that ain't the only place like that, it can't be. They're all over the place from what she told me. There are dozens of them..." Stopping one wouldn't stop it all. Was that what she was doing? Was she purposely taking out these facilities? 

"You think she's gonna go after more of them?" Steve looked at Clint as he spoke but all Barton could do was offer him an uncertain look.

"No idea. She's pissed I know that much. I think she might end up going directly for the bastards that actually did it to her. If she goes home again - her home, where she was born - she'll find nothing but pain and ghosts and I don't know what that'll do to her mind." Nothing good he was sure. It'd probably fracture her more.

"If that's where she's headed we need to stop her before she gets there or Barnes needs to man up and do it. If she goes back there all she's gonna find is pain. She can take 'em out I've no doubt about that but I don't know what'll be left of her if she does. He's gotta know that too, if he knew her before he's gotta know it'll destroy her. She'll kill the monsters that made her but she could lose herself to the demons they left inside of her when she does." He sounded scared. Honestly scared.

He ran his hand down his face and sighed.

"She told me once that it was the only place in the world that scared her. She was tortured when she was a kid in that place, handed a gun and forced to kill before she was even old enough to know her own mind. I told her that she got to choose who she was after I found her because I gave her a choice and that she could choose for herself now but they never gave her a choice. If she chooses that? If she chooses to chase down ghosts I'm worried it'll unlock everything else she's tried to move on from." 

"Can we reach through to her?" Steve asked softly. He wished he could help Clint more... 

Both of them were at an utter loss here though. He had never faced this side of Natasha and he knew that his connection with Bucky was far different to whatever his connection with Natasha was. It was a whole host of confusing that he wasn't sure he'd ever understand. 

"Don't know." Clint replied with a shrug. "If I was there maybe but from here? No way. She told me not to go after her, told me she was fine but I don't believe her. I'm amazed she even replied honestly."

It didn't alleviate his worry at all, in fact if he was going to be honest it had just made it worse because he knew that it wasn't his best friend that'd tried to reassure him, it was the girl that he'd tried to save all of those years ago telling him to stay the hell away only doing it politely.

He rolled his eyes then.

"She also called me dumb and told me to stay at home and not play hero which uh, never gonna happen. She knows me better." Natasha really did but it seemed like Natalia did not.

Or did she? Clint frowned then and he let out a groan.

"I think she's screwing with me." He shook his head. "Telling me to stay put when she knows I won't do it but why?"

Steve studied Clint curiously.

"Why? Why would she do that?" Obviously he wasn't going to understand.

Clint inhaled a deep breath and a small smirk appeared on his lips.

"Because she knows that I won't do it. Natalia is- I don't even know what she is but Natasha knows that there's no way I'll stay here and don't do anything about it. Maybe it was her way of trying to reach through all of that..." Was it just dumb hope? He honestly didn't know anymore and he hated it.

The thought of his best friend screwing with him was just pain.

"I tried to ping her phone." Clint tapped his hand against his leg. "She'd already turned it off though. She's smart, if she doesn't wanna be tracked she won't be. Though I guess turning your phone off is kinda obvious."

"If you think she's going home we could meet her there?" Steve looked thoughtful. "We could see if we can be there to reach her."

"I really don't know. I don't know if it'll make things worse. I don't know anything. I don't know how to help her. I hate the thought of leaving her out there alone but if going after her will make it worse maybe we shouldn't." Clint sounded exacerbated. He finally kicked his feet to the floor and glanced at Steve before rolling his eyes.

"C'mon, I know someone who has better access to satellite feeds than we do. Someone that might be able to help us track Tasha better. Someone who _might_ be able to get us a way to communicate with her or Barnes." He did _not_ sound happy about it.

Steve glared at him and looked mad as hell. Okay maybe Cap _wasn't_ too polite to say when he was angry.

"Why didn't you say anything before?!" Steve demanded. Any resource was useful right now.

"'There are some people I didn't wanna involve in this, Rogers. It's a mess that she don't need to be mixed up in." Clint released a sigh and shook his head.

This was his last resort and the one avenue he did _not_ want to take. It was mixing two worlds he didn't want mixed, not like this anyway. Sometimes it was worth a few lies to just protect people, Barnes was right about that much: Sometimes secrets weren't so bad. Sometimes you needed to lie to protect people. 

* * *

She glanced at him trying to read his expression and it was somewhere between outright worried and slightly angry, she could understand why. This place didn't hold many good memories for either one of them. She was steady externally but internally a war raged and a part of her was begging her to turn and get the hell out of here as fast as she possibly could. She didn't want to be here but she knew she had to be.

She held to his hand trying to remind herself that her hard earned freedom was _not_ going to end at their hands, not now or ever. She knew by now that there were some evils in the world that you should always avoid but she couldn't do it forever and she wouldn't. She wouldn't run forever. She had to take a stand and here was a good place to do it. Here was where she was made, here was where they sculpted a child into a killer and here was where she'd take her sense of self back once and for all.

"You don't have to do this, Natalia." He spoke quietly.

She turned to him and a small sigh broke her lips. She flicked her eyes down to the floor and she shook her head.

"That's where you're wrong, James. I have to do this because it's the only way I'll ever make them realise that I'm not theirs anymore. Here was where they took everything away from me, here was where they turned me into their little monster, their perfect little killer and here is where I need to take back who I am. Here is where I show them they don't own me anymore. If I hit here I'll know that I've knocked down the first domino in the series of hells I was put through."

She sounded saddened as she spoke, he knew why she was doing it and he knew there was nothing he could do to change her mind. She wanted more than anything else to show them that her body and her mind was her own even after everything that they'd done to her and he was proud of her for that, truly he was but here could cause her to unravel more than she wanted to admit. They _did_ still have power over her. They did still get to decide at least a little of who she was.

"Here was where it all started for me." She reminded him. "You were the only good thing that these bastards ever gave me, I want you here with me so we can take back _Us_ and show them that they didn't win. We found our way back, we always find our way back. I want you here to take a stand with me and take back who we are. They took away everything and they think they can get away with it."

He understood, he really did but the monsters that had created both of them were long since dead. What could be accomplished by being here now? All they'd do was chase ghosts and kill people who'd done to other people what they'd done to them and while he wasn't at all bothered about that, he was bothered about what all of this might do to her. He was worried about furthering the pain she had inside of her to the point where it was downright destructive and there was no way back for her.

He could _not_ lose her forever, not when he'd just gotten her back. She was right, here was where they were created and where they'd been thrown together in the hopes that he'd turn her into a better weapon and he had but she'd long since surpassed him whether she realised it or not and he was proud of that in some manner or another but here was where he'd known that he was in love with her too and that was at least one thing he didn't hate.

Just one.

She was right, at least in a few ways but not entirely.

"They're all dead, Nat." He reminded her gently. "The ones that did this to us, they're all dead."

She shrugged though. It wasn't about the people themselves it was about what this place was and what it stood for. It was about how much it had taken away and destroyed and how much it'd keep doing it if no one stepped in to stop it but this went higher than just _here._ Here might be where her story started - well theirs to be more accurate - but this wasn't their main base of operations. So much had happened inside of those walls true enough but this wasn't doing to stop them.

She was spinning and she wasn't sure where to place her anger, he could relate to that. He smiled though and rolled his eyes at her response. She had always been so stubborn, she had always been probably the single most difficult person he'd known in this long, long life of his but he admired that more than he'd admit to her. She was - and always would be - the most fascinating person on the planet to him.

"It's not too late to reach out for help y'know. We could call in-" She cut him off with a scowl.

"The cavalry? No thanks." She rolled her eyes. "I told you I don't need saving. Don't make me knock you out again, I'll do it you know I will."

This time he scowled at her then and shook his head again. He was damn adamant she was _not_ pulling that shit again. He knew by now that she was more than capable of playing her little games but this was the first time that she'd actually bested him with it. He'd taught her well, a little too well perhaps. 

"I was gonna say a few extra guns but sure, we'll go with that." He muttered. "Don't you goddamn dare, Romanov or I swear I'll-"

She took a step forward to stand in front of him and studied him with a smirk as she looked up at him, her hand ran up his chest.

"You'll do what?" She replied challengingly. 

"No games. Not here. You've gotta stop because-" 

"You still can't resist, can you?" She smirked triumphantly. "The student surpasses the master my love." 

His hand closed around hers and he pulled her forward.

"Not quite." He bowed his head, his lips dancing over hers close but not quite close enough to be a kiss.

"You were trained to seduce, I was trained to kill." His lips still close enough to hers to brush. "That doesn't mean I don't know how to push your buttons too."

Being this close but not _quite_ close enough was agony for both of them and he knew it, her heart was thudding that loud in her ears that she could barely hear him speak. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than she wanted them, not her revenge, not this madness or the war raging on inside of her, nothing. Nothing more than she wanted him and she both loved and loathed it in unison.

She broke first just like he knew she would. She'd lived with the longing and the pain for decades whereas he'd done it just for days. It didn't make it any easier of course but still. She pressed her lips to his and as he felt the warmth of her body press against his in the biting cold, he found a sense of calm all over again, the problem was he wasn't sure he was helping her any.

At least not in the way that she was helping him. He wished he was, he'd do anything to pull her off of the road she was on right now. He loved her too much to let her go down this road alone but he wasn't sure that either of them could hold on for long enough to make it out of here with anything left of them intact.

It was a slippery slope they did _not_ need to be going down.

He held her close to him though until he saw the red dot appear on her back and a shot rang out in the darkness, everything happened so fast and he cursed himself for not reacting quick enough, he felt the searing pain in his shoulder but he didn't care; he'd been shot dozens of times it barely even registered to him because all he was focussed on was her. She lost her strength fast and she fell against his chest as blood started to move down his hands and all he could do was lower her to the floor before she tumbled backward.

She stared up at him with wide eyes and he fought like hell to put pressure on the wound, it sounded like she was choking... No. Please no.

This was _not_ the way this was supposed to end. Hold on... Please... Hold on.


	9. Hurt took the rest of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learns a few things about Clint and when they finally find the trail they've been looking for what they find st the end of it isn't so promising...

The whole way to his farmhouse Clint had been fielding questions from Steve trying not to actually answer any of them with anything more than a _You'll understand when We get there_ which he knew was frustrating to Steve but there wasn't much more he could do or say because it'd just cause more questions and he and enough on his mind and it was one hell of an explanation he didn't want to launch into right now.

As they pulled up outside and got out of the car Steve studied the large house in front of him and he turned to look at Clint who'd told him nothing more than it was somewhere safe that they could hole up for now where they could figure out what the heck was going on and where to go next and there was someone he could ask for help.

"This is home," Clint explained, "At least when I'm not working it is anyway."

When he wasn't too busy with missions anyway which was something he largely tried to avoid, extended time away wasn't on his list of things he particularly enjoyed. He had a life here and a reason to want to come home but he knew that it wasn't always possible which was why he kept the apartment back in New York to begin with.

"It's a beautiful house Clint but how-" Steve started but got cut off midway through his sentence as the door to the house bounced open.

A young boy bounded out of the house and ran at Clint without even looking at Steve throwing his arms around his waist with an excited exclamation of one single word: Daddy!

"Hey kiddo!" Clint replied as he mussed the boys hair, "This is Steve Rogers, Rogers this is my son Ben." 

Steve smiled at the introduction and watched the boy who turned curious eyes toward him almost as though trying to discern something or another which made Steve undeniably curious but he didn't see how a child could help them find Natasha but then Steve's mind wasn't exactly in the right place right now, none of this was a situation he knew how to deal with.

"Clint I don't get how this is supposed to help," he sighed sounding both confused and upset simultaneously. He thought they were supposed to be getting help...

Clint just frowned at him and shook his head.

"Kiddo where's your mom?" Clint questioned choosing that by way of answer to Steve's confusion.

"Inside, she's in her office I think."

Good, she was home. He wasn't overly sure if she was or whether she was in the city and Ben had been left with Katie. Clint gestured toward the house and started to walk inside leaving Rogers very little choice other than to follow him. He made his way immediately to a room just to the left of the living room, as they stepped inside Clint closed the door behind them as a beautiful blonde woman turned questioning eyes toward the pair.

"Something tells you're not in here to tell me you brought Captain America home for dinner," she frowned as she looked toward Clint.

She was well trained enough to read the situation and she knew by now that whatever had him here like this was probably serious; Bobbi Morse was one of the best trained spies in the world and certainly one of the best that SHIELD had ever turned out though she worked for herself now with her own agency because she hated the bureaucracy that came with being screwed over by a fallen agency and after that she'd had one of two choices: Do something for herself or become a housewife and she was never going to do the latter, she was restless and couldn't stand being civilian.

"Nope," Clint sighed. "Steve this is my wife Bobbi."

Clint had a wife and a child, Clint had a wife and a child which was something Steve and definitely not known before today. It made him realise just how little he knew about him and that had him somewhat saddened. He'd worked side by side with Clint Barton for years now and yet it appeared he knew nothing at all about him.

"How bad is it?" Bobbi questioned guessing the situation must be something bad or Clint wouldn't have brought Steve out here like this, Clint was protective over his family which was why Natasha was the only person that knew about Ben for a damn good reason, it was a dangerous world and the work that they did meant that you made enemies so the things most precious to you were protected at all costs.

Wait, where was Natasha? Ah, that explained a lot. That was why they were here, Bobbi's expression became sift and sympathetic. If Natasha was in trouble it'd explain absolutely everything because she knew that both Steve and Clint cared for her a great deal, hell even Bobbi did. She'd help them and Clint knew it, it was why he'd come home and it was why he'd brought Steve with him.

"Nat went dark side, we need help finding her," Clint muttered sadly, "She's in a bad way Bobs. I wouldn't ask you to get involved in this if-"

"I know," Bobbi interjected with a warm smile. "Tell me what happened and what you know so far."

"We were putting Bucky back into cryostasis, it was what he asked us to do because his um, programming? Was still active and he was worried that if he didn't someone would get hurt by him again, Natasha was there when it happened and it triggered something inside of her that changed who she is into who she was," Steve muttered sadly, "She had a connection to Bucky we didn't know about and what happened to him was a trigger for something in her mind."

Bobbi looked troubled and her eyes slipped to Clint. She'd already reached in front of her to pick up her tablet and she was flicking through something as she watched the two of them.

"I thought Natasha didn't have any other latent programming? I thought SHIELD had worked through it all years ago?" she queried, "She was supposed to be through it all wasn't she?"

"We didn't think so either, I don't even think she knew... It must've been deeply buried. I didn't have any idea she was even connected to Barnes 'til she flipped out, she beat the crap outta Rogers here, bust my nose... It was bad Bobs. She's out there somewhere and I can't find her," Clint sounded disheartened as he spoke. "I'm worried she's gonna get herself killed."

"So why haven't you asked Barnes for help?" That seemed like an obvious starting point. "Have you spoken to him? I don't know him but I do know that's where I'd start."

"We did," Clint sighed, "He decided to go solo and took off, we've found a couple things along the way but nothing close enough to be able to figure out what she's doing. Well I mean we know _some_ of it but she seems to be on some kinda vendetta or something."

Bobbi became curious then and she tilted her head to the side just a little.

"Vendetta against who?" She had a feeling she already knew. Ah, she nodded her head in understanding then. "She's taking on the people that made her."

That was what made the most sense and both men nodded their heads in response to her question, Bobbi rolled her eyes and she actually laughed. It was what she'd have expected Natasha to do, she'd had her own vendetta not that long ago so she could understand it. It was what she'd have done in Natasha's position too but it was a curious thing, how the hell was Barnes tied to all of this? Who the hell was he? What did she hope to achieve out there? Even Nat had to know that that wasn't going to end well. 

"What's his connection to her? Did you find anything on that before he went rogue?" she pondered, "How do they know each other?"

Clint huffed out a dramatic sigh then and moved to side on the edge of Bobbi's desk which earned him a scornful look but he just smiled at her though it was a sad smile. He hated how little he knew here and that was why - against his better judgment - he was stood here asking his wife to get involved in a mess that included Natasha's past.

"Apparently he knew her back when she was in that place, he trained her or some crap. He was kinda vague on everything," he muttered irately, "Kinda wish I'd punched him, he knocked me the hell out and gave me one helluva headache too."

"Ah," Bobbi nodded in understanding, "That was how you got the concussion, remind me to hit him for that when we _do_ find them."

Clint had been a royal pain in the ass after that but he'd just muttered and grumbled every time she'd asked him what had happened so she knew by now that he'd explain when he wanted to and apparently that was right now. It was mildly annoying that it had taken a literal crisis but whatever, that was hardly important right now.

"Can you help?" Steve looked at Bobbi. "We need to find them, I'm worried."

Naturally so, he had no idea what to expect from either one of them at this point and all he had was questions and uncertainties and he'd discovered quickly that he knew nothing at all about the two people he considered to be his best friends. Natasha had told him that spies lied, they kept secrets and the truth was subjective but he hadn't thought she'd lie to him about anything like this though it made sense he supposed. His own pain was enough she probably thought he didn't need hers too. She'd told him once that she'd had someone out there once but it hadn't been a story she'd been keen on telling so he didn't press it.

"Of course I can," She replied with a certainty to her voice, "I just can't from here, I'll need to go into work so I can access feeds and see if I can contact a few people I know in the area. Can you call Kate to come look after Ben while I go grab some stuff?"

"Sure thing, thanks Bob." Clint smiled as he reached over to hold her hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

"You didn't even need to ask and you know it, she's my friend too. C'mon, lets go track a couple of skilled spies, just a regular Wednesday." She offered a smile as she spoke. She was attempting to lighten the mood even just a little bit, stressing would do none of them any good.

It wasn't how she'd envisioned spending her day but there were worse ways and her friend was in trouble. It was worth it. Steve turned to Clint as Bobbi walked past the two of them and out of the room. He understood now why Clint had fielded his questions and why he hadn't answered anything, he understood now what his reluctance was and why he hadn't wanted to do this unless he absolutely had to. 

"You didn't want her or your son hurt," Steve spoke quietly, he watched Barton nod. "I get it, I'm sorry."

Clint just let out a small laugh and shook his head.

"She woulda kicked my ass if I didn't ask her anyways, you have no idea how much of a pain that woman can be. Don't get me wrong she's the best but honestly she's one of those people that hates being kept in the dark if someone she loves is in danger, Nat is her friend too. She was at our wedding, she's Godmother to Ben, Bob loves Nat too." He shrugged as he reached into his pocket to pull his phone out. "Better call Kate, we got work to do."

It took a good half an hour for Kate to arrive at the house though she received nothing but a quick greeting and an apology followed by an _I'll explain everything later I promise_ from Clint before Clint, Bobbi and Steve left. By the time they reached Bobbi's facility Steve found himself more anxious than he wanted to admit. He remained quiet as Morse perused through the footage she'd managed to locate before a _ping_ on her computer and she tilted her head to the side with a frown. 

"Guys, we have something..." she spoke with a worried tone, "They're in Bosnia."

"What? How do you know that?" Clint questioned with a confused look, "I thought they'd be harder to track than-"

"Natasha's phone is on." Bobbi turned to him, "That was too easy..."

"Way too easy," Clint agreed as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, three words were written on his screen: She's been shot.

"We need to go. Now." He looked alarmed, Bobbi threw him a look that told him she had no objections whatsoever to taking one of the jets, if it got them there fast and safe then she was completely fine with that.

Whatever was going on wasn't good, whatever was going on exactly what he'd feared and that? That scared the hell out of him. What if they got there too late? What if Nat died out there just as he'd worried she would? Steve - once again - was full of questions that he got no answers to as Clint Barton focussed on nothing more than moving his ass to find his best friend.

* * *

Texting Clint wasn't something she was going to approve of, he'd gotten the bleeding stemmed and he'd managed to stabilise her or at least he thought he had, they still had plenty of well stocked safehouses and he was glad for that but there was something different about this.

The bullet had been laced with something because she'd been burning up all night and writhing in agony. She could barely move without crying out in pain. His best guess was poison which told him two things; One, they knew that she was going to target that particular facility and Two: There was someone in there that really wanted to hurt her.

Shit. So much for this being her game. Barton could help him reach out to people that could help _her_ and that had been all he was thinking when he'd reached out. He didn't care about absolutely anything else, he didn't care about her being mad at him so long as she was safe and she came out of this alive.

He couldn't even begin to predict the kind of shit that they'd have put into her... Who the hell was this and how the hell did they even know what she'd do or where she'd go? Had she been trailed and hadn't noticed the whole time or did she know and she'd just elected not to tell him through certainty she could handle it herself?

That girl was an enigma so he couldn't be sure about anything. If she had known and she'd taken the risk she was stupid. All he could do though was wait for the cavalry she had sworn she didn't need... Well, she was damn well wrong and it could very well be her own doing, too.

It was a good two hours after his message to Clint that someone made their way inside of their safehouse, he wasn't at all alarmed though because immediately he heard a voice and so he stood and walked out to greet his undoubtedly pissed off visitors. Clint - being Clint and not thinking clearly - swung immediately and punched him in the jaw. Okay, he kind of deserved that. He frowned at Barton and shook his head.

"Feel better now you've got that out of your system?" he questioned with a raised brow, "I did what I needed to do to help her."

Clint let out a humorless laugh despite Steve asking him not to say anything brash.

"Right, good job at protecting her. She got SHOT. You were supposed to keep her safe and you did a shitty job, you shoulda just let us come with you at least then she might not _be_ in this mess!" Clint hissed, he was far from happy and he intended to make that damn well clear, too.

"I didn't _let_ this happen to her!" Bucky argued, "I think she knew someone was tailing her and she underestimated the threat, either that or someone got the jump on her I don't know but what I _do_ know is that the bullet was laced with something. She's been poisoned."

"Shit," Clint pushed past Bucky and knelt beside Natasha as his hand touched her head and he immediately pulled it away, she was burning up. "We need to get her to a hospital!"

Naturally that was his first suggestion, Bucky immediately shook his head though. He knew by now that this wasn't the type of thing that any hospital could help with, they wouldn't use anything that pedestrian or anything that could be treat so easily, they wanted her to suffer and so far they'd gotten their wish.

"It won't be anything they can help with dumbass. We need someone who can help that understands the dark shit we're mixed up in right now, anyone who isn't going to get killed just for trying to help her or me. We need someone who can help us fix this but we can't involve anyone civilian or we'll get them killed, don't be an idiot." No doctor or hospital was going to be able to do a damn thing for her and he knew it.

Hell he bet even Clint knew it he was just desperate and grasping at straws. This situation had gotten _way_ out of hand.

"Aw, hell!" Clint muttered, "Give me a minute."

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Clint did the exact thing Steve knew he was going to do, the same thing that earned him the sympathetic look Steve currently wore: Call his wife. _Bob, we need you out here quick, Tasha's been poisoned._ So much for not getting her any more involved than she already was. He turned back to Steve and Bucky.

"Bobs will be here in an hour give or take," he sighed. "Didn't wanna get her more mixed up in this damn mess."

"Who the hell is he talking about?" Bucky questioned as he looked at Steve, his hand rubbing his jaw. "Steve I never meant for any of this mess to happen."

"My wife, she's one of the best biochemists in the world so she's our best shot if you want Nat to survive and you won't trust a damn hospital." He really _really_ did not like Bucky Barnes. "Now you sit your ass down and start talking."

"Alright, alright." Bucky held his hands up before sitting down, he would've argued if not for Steve silently asking him to comply. "What do you wanna know?"

"You and her, what's the deal? Why'd she trust you so far?" Clint sat on a chair and studied him, his eyes occasionally cast toward Natasha.

"We were- Back when we were in that place before she met any of you before she was- Before she was Natasha I trained her. I taught her to survive, I taught her to-" He cut off and sighed, "It doesn't matter what I taught her what matters is that you were right and there was a connection between her and I that I didn't want to talk to you about, I love her. I always have, you asked me if her and I were a thing? Yeah. We were. She was the only thing I ever had that mattered to me." He was reluctant to talk about it and that was evident with the huge sigh that broke his lips.

"She was my- Look that story isn't important okay? She trusts me because she loved me then. She trusts me because she knows I'd rather die than let anything happen to her and that's all you need to know, all you need to know for now is that I'd die before I let her die," he muttered quite obviously growing exacerbated. "You want me to tell you everything and that's not gonna happen. It's _her_ story more than it's mine so just- lets focus on saving her life please?"

 _Let's focus on saving her life please._ God he hoped that they could save her... She was too stubborn to die though, he sat back and closed his eyes placing his hand over them and he shook his head. He just wanted to hit something, lash out... Hell he just wanted to do anything but sit here. He hated it. 

He'd wasted too many years failing to protect her and noe he was doing it all over again.

Clint - naturally - grumbled about it but what could he do? He couldn't force answers out of someone but he could make a point if showing how irritated he was and he could do that very well. He would've anyway if he wasn't so worried about Natasha.

Dammit Tasha why'd you gotta go get yourself shot for huh? Too damn stubborn.

Always too damn stubborn.


End file.
